I'm nervous!!

I'm putting an offer down on two houses today and I'm incredibly nervous. What's that about? Actually, I know what it's about ... I want either one of them, badly. I'm trying to not get too emotionally involved, but it's too late. I'm very excited, hopeful and wanting this so much. God, I'm putting this up to You. I trust that You will help me know what Your will is.

I am done with the apartment living, though. Here's a little list to help remind me to stay strong on this:

• I will no longer be throwing my money away. In fact, owning a home will put a lot more money in my pocket not only in monthly expenses (it'll be cheaper for me to buy vs. rent), but I'll get back a lot in my taxes.
• I won't have people looking inside my apartment as they walk past my back patio. Oh my goodness is that annoying.
• I won't be hearing my upstairs neighbor having sex. Yes, I can hear it.
• I won't be paying pet rent any longer, a very greedy thing apartments do now so that people can live with their pets. It costs me $50 each month for my cats to live in my home.
• I can paint the walls. My walls here are so stark white.
• I can plant a flower in the ground. Trust me, when you don't have the option to do it, you definitely miss it.
• My new home will be mine (and the bank's).

My house hunting adventure

Oh my goodness, who ever said house hunting is fun?? To an extent, it is fun to go in and envision what you might do. But, truly, there's frustration, too. Here's a short account of what happened yesterday:

House #1: This one had dirt all over the place, old appliances in the kitchen, no fridge, very small bedrooms, closets barely wide enough to fit a stand-up vacuum, tiny bathrooms, barren backyard. It was at the top of my price range and my realtor told me it would be the best one I'd see that day. She wasn't kidding.

House #2: This is a short-sale, but the renters were there when we came in. They huddled the kids on the couch and watched us as we moved from room to room. I felt like I was stealing their home! There was a statue of Jesus on the cross on the wall the size of a bulletin board and it felt like it was watching me in every room, too! The cabinets didn't close all the way, they look like the originals from the 50's, the backyard had graffiti on it (a sign that maybe the neighborhood wasn't the best), and it smelled.

House #3: Cute, but no garage, on a very busy street that takes an easy 5-minutes to pull out of when there's no traffic, no washer/dryer hookups or place to do laundry, no appliances in the tiny kitchen.

House #4: Sold while we were on the road, so went on to the next.

House #5: Only made it through the front gate because no one would answer the door - the tenants were home, cars in the garage, but no one would come out. I wasn't crazy about it from the outside, so maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

House #6: We drove to the address, but the house sitting on the land was nowhere near the picture we had and it didn't have a sign outside. We moved on.

House #7: We were only allowed to do a drive by, not showing until Tuesday. Cute from the outside I guess.

House #8: OMG, a total nightmare. The house had bugs crawling, cobwebs several inches thick, an unpermitted extra room that would have to be torn down, the one bathroom would never be something I'd walk in with shoes on let alone take a shower in, hardwood floors creaked and were spongy as you walked on them. Next.

House #9: Funny one ... we pulled up and someone else was looking at the property. An agent pulled in behind us and then we found out, before we even walked in the door, that 57 offers were already on the table. We piled back in the car and zoomed out of there.

House #10: This one probably had 10-15 people living there. The tenants, who only spoke another language, were there when we came in. Bunk beds, single beds, couches were piled in the front room. It was obvious many people slept there. We couldn't go into all the rooms because people were sleeping. The kitchen counters all needed to be replaced - cracked tiles, discolored. The stove top was old and crusty. The pool was green, and I'm sure it was not meant to be that color.

However, today I found two great gems when I decided to open my search up to condos/townhomes that didn't have neighbors above or below me. In fact, I walked into these two places and knew right away that I had to put an offer in so that's what I'm doing for both. They are short sales, with prices more than half the cost of the original purchase price. Gated community, granite countertops, stainless steel, alarm system, travertine floors, little backyard, just beautiful. Through all of this, I am staying positive. I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. Of course, I'm doing my footwork, but the results are truly up to God. Thank you, OA, for constantly reminding me of that.

Summer adventures

I'm in full vacation mode, which I do like. It's a huge change for me, but one that I am welcoming.

In terms of school, I started out with wanting it take water aerobics, a science class and the lab that goes with it. However, it didn't work out with the science classes. The time between the end of water aerobics and the science classes was about 4 hours, way too long for me to hang out on campus. In addition, one of my medications makes me drowsy when I'm out in the sun and that, coupled with exercising in the sun, and all I want to do afterwards is take a nappy. Just imagine me in the library at the college pushing books and papers off of a table to lie down. Sounds yummy to me!

So, the science courses will have to wait until the fall. The water aerobics is a fun class, though. I do have a knee problem so it's the best place for me. However, it's not easy because I'm concerned about not causing more damage so I have to do things slower. The resistance in the water is tought for me. I'm a competitive person physically, always have been, so I purposefully have to hold it back. I'm not competitive with anyone else, just an internal battle with myself. If someone is going at a certain pace, I think I have to go at the same pace just to show that I can do it, too!

My other major adventure is that I decided to buy a house. I don't think I've mentioned that here on my blog, but Sunny has decided to grow up and stop throwing my money away every month! I had colossally screwed up my credit and found myself in major debt. My credit score was so bad at one point that I couldn't even get a credit card with a $500 limit on it. Bad news. But, being in recovery has helped me clean and continue to clean all areas of my life, including my finances. I don't eat over that stuff any longer. I put it out there to God of my dreams, one of them being to become a homeowner. Not a big house, just a starter, maybe a fixer. Except for a short period of time when I was a baby, I have never lived in a house. We've always been in apartments. It's a huge dream to plant a flower in the ground, paint a wall, turn up the music and not care if I'm being too loud.

So, I have already been pre-approved for a loan. It's crazy the amount of money they are willing to lend me today now that I've cleaned up my financial picture. And, due to all the first-time homebuyer programs out there I qualify for, I am going to be able to get into a house for no more than $70 out of my pocket. How awesome is that?? This Friday is going to be my first day of pounding the pavement and I can't wait. And, to top that off, I have had many people, friends, offer to go with me to go house shopping and help me move.

The place I find myself in today is a true blessing and such a testament of the inherent goodness of God. I have paid my dues, earned my seat as a compulsive overeater in the rooms, but I can really, honestly say that life is good today. I'm feeling healthier and I'm happier. I pray that God show me patience through this entire process, not even just the house hunt, but the process of my life. Here I am, a person who lived through years of physical abuse, raped at 13 and then went into a downward spiral from there, topping off at 385 pounds and pretty much living a miserable existence. Now I'm buying a home, taking care of my body, and going to school to eventually get my master's degree. I know in my heart that God will also present me with a mate when the time is right. I am faithful today of all of this and I give praise to God for blessing me every single day.

What I did for my dad on Father's Day

It's so interesting how my relationship with my dad has evolved over the years since I have been in recovery. We went from a strained existence when I was a teenager to the point where we will say "I love you" every time we hang up the phone. So, this year for father's day, I decided to write him a letter to tell him how much he means to me. Life is so short, incredibly short. I have several people in my life get cancer, others that have passed on and others that are no longer a part of my life at all. It has made me realize that you just don't know how much time you have left together, whether that is 20 years, 10 years, 1 week or today.

So, I wrote my dad this letter so that he knows how much he means to me. He is, by far, the greatest person I have ever known in my life. Such a sacrificial person who loves his family beyond measure and who will walk through fire for any of us, no matter how much we have hurt him or disappointed him. I reflected on how things changed after my parents divorced and he stepped up in both roles as father and mother. I have memories of him fixing Barbies for me, teaching me how to ride a bike and how to drive a car. Even now, as I enter the housing market for the very first time, he is still a dad who is teaching his little girl.

I cried after I finished the letter, tears of joy though. I am blessed to have a wonderful father who loves me to pieces. This experience really how shown me how important it is to tell those you love how much you love them. Sometimes the action of expressing such deep emotion is really difficult, but it is so healing.

If you are a father and reading this blog, thank you for taking on such an important role in the life of your child. That little person will look up to you for the rest of his or her life. I am 37 years old and am still my father's little girl, just as it should be.

So excited!

I have one week of work left, and then I'm on summer break for 7 weeks. Woooo hooo hooo!! It is the first time since I started working at 17 that I will be taking the entire summer off. Granted, I'm not getting paid during that time, but God has really taken care of me and I will be able to pay my rent and buy food. I'm taking classes and looking for a house to buy during that time, but my days no longer will have to start at 5 a.m. My first class is at 12:30 p.m., just like every person in college dreams to do. I'll be exercising in water outdoors, which I just love, and really taking care of me. It's so amazing how far down on the list we really are. My M.O. is to always take care of other people first and not me. When I do that, I do suffer. My blood sugar is elevated, the weight stays on and it makes me feel not so great. So here's to a summer of Sunny getting at the front of the line for a change.

Time spent thinking about my body

Have you ever figured out how much time you spend thinking about your body? I'm being serious ... time spent thinking about how heavy you are, light you are, how fat you feel, wondering about what other people are thinking about you, how many hours of exercise will be needed to work off bad food choices, how sore your feet are from the weight of your body, comparing your body to someone you view as ideal, how you look in an outfit, how you fit in a car, how you fit in a chair, what size you wear, what you're eating to contribute to that weight, how much money you spend on weight loss products or gym memberships, etc. It can go on and on. Recently, my sponsor gave me an assignment to describe my "perfect" weight. In my response, I talked about how I never dream up a specific number because I have always been overweight, without those thin years. Instead, my perfect weight is where I feel healthy, where I blend into a crowd and, most importantly, where I don't spend every moment thinking about weight. Here's a case in point:


Every year, I participate in the graduation ceremonies at the high school where I work. Every year, building up to that day, my mind is almost obsessed with the chair I will be sitting in (wondering if it will break under the weight of me) or if the gown is going to fit. This picture is exactly what the seats look like. All I could think about last night was, please God, please don't let me break the seat down on the field during graduation. If it happens, it will be super embarassing as hundreds and hundreds of eyes will be watching (talk about selfish and self-centered). It was so bad last night that I finally had to put it in my God box. That felt better. Then I got up and was trying to pick out my outfit, fixated on what would look best and be most comfortable. Then, as we were gathered in the staff lounge getting last minute instructions, I kept having to pray to let this be about the kids and their wonderful day and not me in that chair. I saw the guy who would be sitting next to me and wondered if he would be uncomfortable and regretting it. Finally, after the procession in, we sat down. Meanwhile, I'm praying in my head for me to let this worry go and let it be celebration for the kids. It's their day, not mine.

I can say I was finally able to let all the obsessiveness about my body and how it looks go and enjoy this special day. Many, many kids came up to me after receiving their diplomas, while going through the receiving line, to hug me with pure joy. I got the opportunity to wish them well and tell them how proud I am of them. Were I still in my head about my body image, I would have been too selfish to be present for them. Today, I felt like a proud mom, not like a compulsive overeater. That was such a gift from God. I got that reprieve and I'm so grateful for that.

The time spent worrying about my body or issues related to it is countless. I know I am not alone in this. I continue needing to work on this, but I am so grateful that I can counter it with positives. I did go a lot into my head about weight issues, but I was able to say, "Okay, so you're not comfortable today with the seating, with the robe, with standing on your feet during most of the graduation ... but, you are in a program of recovery today. Because of that, this will not always be the case. So, instead, just for today, let's enjoy this special day of celebration. Remember, this is not about you." It takes continous work and a lot of effort. I pray I continue suiting up, showing up and working on it every day.

Blessings galore

My apologies for not posting in a bit ... it's been a challenging week to say the least. My friend, who has cancer, went through surgery and so we're just waiting for a pathology report to see where she stands. The doctors feel very hopeful, so do the rest of us, it's just a matter of waiting now. After my initial reaction of sadness, I did the one thing I learned works best in my life in any situation - I prayed. It is amazing how much peace comes to your life when you pray with your whole heart. In church, before her surgery, my friend went up to the pastor after the sermon and asked for his prayers. I told her I would sit back in the pew and give her privacy. He put his arm around her and she broke down with lots of tears. I watched and it made me cry. She feels very strong and faithful that God has a plan for her, whether here on this earth or not, but she is still a human being who doesn't want to leave her husband, children or friends. I called some friends of ours, whom she didn't have a chance to contact before the surgery, and broke the news. I asked them to pray as well. All of this has really helped me see bigger picture stuff. We are graduating almost 600 seniors at the high school on Thursday and I've been pretty stressed out with activities leading up to that. Yet, in the grand scheme, I get to see that things just don't have to be perfect and I do not have to be superwoman. Instead, I get to focus on the good, which is that these kids have worked hard to get here and I get to celebrate this major accomplishment with them. I will be down on that field with our other staff, hugging them before they go on to their next journey. It is a time to smile and to tell them how proud we are of them. I am blessed to have worked with some pretty awesome kids who, in turn, have come to love me as well. The other night, I had put on this major event and I received two standing ovations from the students and their parents. The next day was full of accolades towards me. I just feel so honored and grateful that God has this wonderful plan for my life where I get to smile a lot in my job. A lot!