My dear friend has cancer

There are times your life when you just sit there and wonder to yourself why you worry and get stressed over things that, hindsight being what it is, feel stupid. I had a pretty horrible week at work, but it's all relative. My friend, who I have known for half of my life, who goes to church with me every week, has cancer. I just found out about 5 minutes ago, so I'm pretty fresh with feeling the deep sadness. She told me not to be scared for her, not to be afraid, that she trusts in God's plan for her and that she is okay. I had this vision in my head sitting in church with an empty space to the left of me, where she always sits. I trust in God, too, but I sometimes honestly have a hard time when it comes to applying it to my life. So, I am praying. I am praying for God's will to be revealed, I am praying for her healing and I am just downright praying that I know how to be a good friend to her. I love her so much ... she's a part of my family. Truly, she is my surrogate mother since my own mother and I do not speak. She thinks of me as her daughter and she is very special to me.

Icky, but I really want this

So, yesterday was not the best day for me. I felt lonely, sorry to say. I think I was isolating a little bit. It was such a beautiful day, but I didn't go out all day long leading to those feelings of isolating. I was doing some work on a huge event I have coming up and I did have some time to go out but I didn't do it. As a result of being boarded up all day, it brought on some icky feelings about not being in a relationship. I was watching stupid movies on TV that made me cry and I just felt a-l-o-n-e. The negative self-talk started. However, I did catch myself and I went to my previous assignment, the one in which I wrote out all the cruel things I say to myself and the positive counter to each thing. Thank you, God, that I did that because it immediately helped pull me out. The truth is that God will put that person in my life when I am ready for him. Right now, I don't think I am. I mean, I am ready, but not in the bigger, global sense. I desire to have that relationship in my life, but I still have some more recovering to do and some more loving myself stuff to do before I can be truly ready for all that this man, whomever he is, has to give to me and vice versa. I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself. It's just not fair. I still acknowledge that I feel lonely, but I am never alone and I am so glad I had the foresight to go to my assignment to help me remember that.

Had a really good day

It's so amazing to me how, on the good days, how really good they feel. Today was such a day. I had a little bout of negativity come creeping in and I recognized it right away. I did some work to get through that and the rest of the day turned our fantastic. I felt great and I was able to be present. I just refused to give into the dark side and said, you know what, screw you!! I am so sick and tired of that horrible, evil voice that says that I'm not good enough, not worthy enough, not anything enough. I think you know what I mean ... it's that nagging voice on your shoulder that tells you that you're just not a good person or not deserving of something or tells you that you can't do something. I am doing some good work around muting that voice more and more. The last assignment I did when I wrote positive things to counter the negative things has really helped me step back when that pops up. It's taking effort, but I do believe I am worth the effort. In fact, scratch that, I know I am worth the effort.

Speaking of effort, I just got the grade from the stats class I just finished and I am now done with math! I don't ever have to take another formal class that gives me a headache from long and complicated formulas, God willing. I'll have to keep up on the skills for entrance into grad school but I am doing a happy dance right now. Woooo hoooo ;-) Guess that helped to make this day a really yummy one.

Can I retrain my brain?

"Ouch, my little brain hurts. I better sleep here so I can recover."

That's how I felt today, but in a really good way. So, my last kick-me-in-the-butt assignment from my sponsor was to take the awful, cruel things that I tell to myself and complete the second half of the assignment. For every negative thing I said, counter it with something positive, whether a thought or an action step. So I did that last night. Thank you, God, that I was in a good place because I really would have rolled my eyes through the entire assignment. Yet, this time, I didn't. I want sooo badly to get out of this space in which I say bad things to myself. I know a majority of us do that to ourselves, especially those of us who are compulsive overeaters. But I'm telling you, right here and right now, I'm tired of hurting myself and I need for it to stop. NOW. That means I'm doing things that are out of my nature. Here's some of what I wrote to show you my willingness. The black is my original negative thought (I'll bleep out some of the cursing) and the red is my positive thought/action I am trying to incorporate into my life, even if right now I'm not entirely there. I want to get there, though.

You are so f----g fat. You’re like an upright cow.
Your body is a temple, given to you as a gift.

I see the way people look at you … you’re just gross.
You do not have control over other people’s feelings. The truth is that you are lovely.

I don’t even want to be seen with you but I don’t have a choice.
Be proud of the woman you have become. You have overcome so much adversity in your life and you are 100% worthy of God’s love.

Why don’t you just stay in the house? It’s safer here, where no one is going to give you the teasing you deserve. Only go out when you have to. Otherwise, stay at home. That way, you can be as f----g fat as you want to be. No one will care about you.
So many people care about you and love you very much. No one deserves to be teased and that includes you. Enjoy your life and be present for it. There are so many experiences to have and so much to do. Participate in your life and thank God for each and every day you are blessed with having.

Why do you think God loves you?
You KNOW God loves you. He tells you every single day through the spirit within you, by the other people/animals in your life, by His Word, by your wonderful life.

How could He possibly do that, given all He knows about you? He loves other people, not you. If He did, your life would be so much different, wouldn’t it?
God knows absolutely everything about you and what He sees is pleasing to Him. He does not make mistakes and He did not make a mistake with you. In fact, He designed you right from the beginning and has a hand in your life at every moment. Just as He loves His other children, He loves you, too. He wants the best for you and wants you to know that you are beautiful, you are worthy and you are very much loved.

I share this with all of you because this is more about my healing than anything else. This is only a snippet of what I wrote. It is about treating myself kindly, in the way God would have me treat myself, in the way He would have me treat other people. Today, several people paid me some wonderful comments that, at first, I wanted to open my mouth and stop. But, I didn't. I kept it zipped, then said thank you and ended the sentence with a period. Why in the world is it so difficult to graciously accept a compliment?

I'm working hard at countering the negative thoughts with positive ones. As a former sponsor used to say, it's changing the old tapes with new ones. I think of it sort of like abstinence from compulsive overeating - at first, being abstinent feels like an impossible task. Then, as time goes on, it gets just a little bit easier. And, while it's never exactly easy, every day of practicing abstinence pretty soon leads to actual abstinence and freedom from the obsession. So, the more I practice positivity around my feelings towards myself, the easier it will be to feel. I felt like Stuart Smally (a la Saturday Night Live) this morning when I looked in the mirror and told myself that I looked cute and pretty today before I headed off to work. Before, when I would have laughed at myself for being so lame, I accepted it and actually felt pretty today. Hmm, maybe there's something to this. I don't know, my brain hurts and I think I need to conk out like the puppy.

Return of the Prodigal (me)

I was commenting to my friend during dinner last night after church that I believe our pastor has a goal to make us cry every week. Okay, maybe he doesn't, but it sure feels like that because I always find a tear or two filling my eye or dropping down onto my cheek ... I am so moved by the Word of God coming into my heart. The discussion was from Luke 15:11-32 on the prodigal son and how God cares so much for him, the one who went astray and was too ashamed to come home after everything he had done, yet was met with excitement and love upon his return. And how are we to deal with him? Without anger, hard heartedness, self-righteousness, comparison and judgment.

It got me to think about how I have been/am the prodigal son. I spent years compulsively overeating, which was my way of checking out and abandoning God's love. Then I topped it off with sexual promiscuity. I justified it in my mind as okay because, after all, I had been physically abused for years and raped. (When does using that as a justification end, though? Now!) I felt like I couldn't be any further away from God and the people who loved me. I was so far out there that even though I wanted to come back home, I was too ashamed and broken to turn back. So I lived this life of danger ... got diabetes, went up to an unimaginable weight and had so many sexual partners that it's hard to even type the number. Yet, something convicted me to turn around and go back home, to the warm and welcoming arms of Him. There I found hope and an unending love beyond measure.

So, now, I find myself working on not treating myself with anger, hard heartedness, self-righteousness, comparison and judgment. God has forgiven me, other people have forgiven me but I continue to work on forgiving myself. We are the hardest on ourselves and I am certainly no exception. It takes an act of love every day for me to treat myself better and not to be so critical. The way I have treated myself is a real shame and in utter protest to God's unending love. I am one of His beautiful children and need to remember He is always with me. Sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to remember.

Back from the dead!

I finished my semester this morning so I'm back to blogging again. I just didn't have time for much of anything the last month or so. But, the semester turned out well. God willing, I finished my last math class, God please be willing! I didn't even have to take my speech final ... I already have more than enough points for an "A" that it will make no difference. So I'm done. This summer is going to be very busy for me with three classes. I won't be working, so it will be a challenge financially but I'm excited, really excited, not to work. Otherwise, things have been going very well. My sponsor has been really challenging me with assignments that have been hard, but in a good way. I'm going to depths I never have gone before and that's a really good thing. This will be short ... just wanted to check in.

Feeling nervous and emotionally spent

I have to deliver my last speech for my speech class tonight and I'm nervous! It's crazy ... I routinely speak in front of classes and auditoriums full of kids but put me in front of a class with 20 peers and a professor and I find myself with nervous nellies. Oh well, it's the last speech and not really a big deal in the big scheme of it all.

It's been a rough day for me. I had the day off of work today, but found myself in tears. My sponsor gave me an assignment a couple of weeks ago that I have been doing major procrastinating on because I didn't want to do it, but I did finally finish it last night. It was to tell her exactly what I say to myself when the negative self-talk goes on. So that's exactly what I did. I didn't make it sound nice at all, as was my nature so that I could hide it. Instead, I said exactly what I tell myself and it was heartbreaking. Reading it back to myself, I could really see how much I hate me - my body, my attractiveness, my intelligence. Of course, these are all things that I perceive, but it was just utterly cruel what I ended up with when all was said and done. And she was so kind and loving with what she wrote back to me, giving me suggestions on how I can take care of myself. One was to print out the e-mail and to write a the top of it, "I love you, Sunny." Then, put it in my God box. So, I did print it out, I did write that message and I just sobbed as I opened the lid of my God box. Now that I have this all out there with my sponsor, I have other assignments to do to work with all of this. The truth of the matter is that a compulsive overeater who gets to be big is not just about eating too much food. No ... it's much worse than that and it takes tremendous courage to walk through it. It's the sort of courage I thought I didn't possess. But I do.

Mother's Day helps me appreciate all women

As I have posted quite a bit before, I grew up in a household where I was physically abused ("beaten" may be a better word) by my mother. Several times Child Protective Services and the police department were involved. She always denied the abuse, to outside people as well as me. About 11 years or so ago, I attempted to talk to her about this when I made amends to her. I did it in the most loving way possible, but she stopped talking to me at that point. Since then, she has had absolutely no contact with me whatsoever - negative, positive or otherwise. She does keep in contact with my brother but not me.

People that know my history always seem to ask me how I handle Mother's Day, wondering if it's hard for me. For the first several years, yes, it was incredibly painful. Her birthday is always the week before Mother's Day, so it felt like a double whammy. I do need to talk about the other side of her, though. She wasn't horrible to me every single second I was with her. In fact, there were many times she was a good mother. Of course, in a typical abuse situation, we know there are always times when the abuser is wonderful. And that she was, at times. I have these great memories of my mother braiding my hair, teaching me how to cook, hugging me as we sat on the couch. It let me know she was a human being who was sick because of how she acted in the other moments.

Today, because I am in a program of recovery and a Christian, I have really learned about love. Not her love for me, but my love for her and about God's love for all of His children. She did abuse me and left physical and emotional scars that are still in the process of healing, but I was not broken. Almost, but not quite. Today, I do not have a relationship with my mother. But, I do pray for her, God knows I pray for her. Maybe not every day, but quite often. I pray that she find peace and that she finds God's grace. I pray that her life is good today, wherever she is living and in whatever circumstance. I pray that she is healthy and happy. She was horrible to me, but I pray for her with love. That doesn't mean I don't have issues to work through in relation to her, but I will continue doing that probably for a long time to come. Part of moving on is really about forgiveness ... for her and for me. I continue to work on the me part more than anything else.

In the meantime, I have these fantastic women in my life who just amaze me and really show me what it is like to be a decent woman. They teach me, just by their examples and love for me, how truly blessed I am. Whether it's my stepmother, dear friends or acquaintances, I have plenty of women in my life who have really stepped up in role as "mother" in different ways. My relationship with my mother has been toxic, but my relationships with the women in my life today are beautiful. So, Happy Mother's Day to all you women out there. Whether you are a mother or not, you touch the lives of others in immeasurable ways and I sincerely thank you for that.

Buried in the books

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in eons it feels like. I have about two weeks or so left in the semester, so I've been pretty much studying as often as I can. I have to pass my stats class, or face retaking it and no thank you on that one. I have a "C" in the class now. I wish it was a better grade, but there you go. It turns out that I'm not going to be able to work this summer, which has left me facing some financial insecurity. But, every time I think about it in that way, I just get to practice in turning it over. I'm doing the best I can. I will, however, be taking some summer classes and I'm actually looking forward to that. One of the classes is water aerobics to satisfy a requirement. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'll be able to get some exercise that's kind on my knee almost everyday and get out in the sun at the same time. I just hope a boob doesn't pop out like last time. Actually, that's not true ... a boob popped out of my bathing suit two times, not just once. I'll be getting a bathing suit that is not loose on my body, just in case.

I'll also be taking an astronomy class with an accompanying lab. So, I will be busy. I bet the 6 weeks will fly by so I better enjoy it! I'm bummed I won't have any income during that time, but I've made it year to year so far, so I'm guessing it will be okay in this situation as well. I've made adjustments in my food plan with my sponsor and things have been better on the food front. I don't know if it's my imagination or not, but my clothes even feel a little looser. I like that!!