Old me vs. recovering me

One of my greatest struggles through the entire recovery process is letting go of the past, moving on and embracing a beautiful life that stands before me. I was reading something from Lifeline, which is the monthly magazine full of stories put out by OA. In one of the stories, the author talked about no longer being 500 pounds and wrote a letter to herself as she walked on from old to new. This really speaks to those of us who have lived through abuse, have body image issues or/and have beat ourselves up (me, me me!!!). I'd like to share it here as a reminder to be kind and love towards myself, no matter what ... just as God does unconditionally.

"Dear Old Me,

I love you, and I willfully choose to forgive you for everything you have done wrong against any person, place, thing or God. I love you in spite of all your mistakes, shortcomings, faults, attitudes and behaviors that now cause me distress. I love you for who you were from birth, childhood and adulthood. I willfully accept all that took place - not as vile curses, but as tools to the creation of the beautiful New Me, who is evolving out of the tattered, battered, worn Old Me. I willfully choose to soothe your old wounds so New Me will be whole and complete. I willfully choose to comfort and encourage you in your transition so New Me will be of sound mind and strong character. I willfully choose to forgive you to set me free to have a fresh and healthy New Me. Old Me, you are loved this day by me and forgiven. Much was not even your fault. It is in the past. Though there is a New Me, you are to be loved, honored, respected and cherished, Old Me. You are the womb from which New Me has been born. I value and appreciate everything you went through in your life."

Being less critical of me

I went today and bought a couple of new tops since the weather is calling for less sweaters and more skin, at least down here in San Diego. You know, I don't know that I have ever really *loved* shopping for clothes. Even when I was at my lowest weight, it wasn't fun for me. You would think it would be ... smaller body, smaller clothes, cuter styles. Instead, it became this battle of accepting who I saw staring back at me in the mirror was not the distorted me but the real me. When you've been a large person for your whole life, you only see yourself as this one way. For those of you that follow the Biggest Loser, I sooo identified with Kristin when she was talking about being afraid to deserve it and questioning whether she was worthy or not.

So, anyway, I had to really face the fact that I have gained a lot of my weight back, even while I being abstinent. It is possible to do. I never broke my bottom line abstinence, but I certainly managed to work my way around it and gain a crazy amount of weight back. People in the rooms are very easy to judge and say that a person such as me can't possibly be abstinent. I don't know what's going on on their side of the street. For me, I am being honest. That doesn't mean I shouldn't evaluate things, but it's my truth in this moment. The tags on my clothes have higher numbers. Not my highest, certainly not that, but one that doesn't make me happy in the slightest. I started to feel bad about myself. Thankfully, though, I caught myself right in the middle of the doom and gloom and said, "Hey, you there, stop this. Right now. Stop this right now, damn it." I can't go back in time and undo what has been done. What done is done. What I do have, though, is right here, right now. I have these 24 hours and I really commit that I will be loving and kind to the girl in the mirror. As a precious child of God, she deserves all of the love He has to offer. In fact, I can praise God for this challenge of my faith because I know it will help me grow so much stronger. Maybe the tag in my shirt doesn't say what I want it to say, but I can put one foot in front of the other and do the right thing for my recovery today.

I got a new OA sponsor!

I'm so excited ;-) I asked the person I met on Saturday and she said yes. It feels like a new start for me and I'm thrilled. I'm tired tonight and feeling so hot ... it was 100 degrees here today. Ick.

This is me

Another beautiful day here in San Diego. We may pay through the nose to live here, but it simply is breathtaking. The beautiful ocean breezes, the sun shining on my face, the birds chirping in the air. It makes me feel so good. Just taking a deep breath and letting my entire body feel it is so peaceful. I don't know about you, but I strive for that feeling of peace in my life. My day yesterday, as I posted previously, was a rough one. I feel like I am on the verge of a new level in my recovery process. Yes, I was hurt with the whole sponsor thing. The day before that I was affected by seeing someone who was a friend of mine for 10 years but no longer is. And, I realized that finding a new person to work with will really help me get to that next space that I am ready for. I have gained so much weight back in this last year, even though I was abstinent. It is possible to do. I never got back up to my all-time high of 385 pounds, but gained back a lot. So, all of it put together felt like it was a cement block sitting on my chest that I could not knock off for the life of me. I was rummaging around my blog and decided to put up links to my story on the right. It's for the person reading my blog who doesn't know my entire story (I mean, how does someone get up to 385 pounds anyway?), but it's mainly for me - to remember how incredibly far I have come. I am no longer that person I wrote about. In fact, at times, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Today is a new day. I went to a totally awesome service at my church last night and was revived, just as I am anytime I put my life in God's worthwhile hands. The power of God's love is so mighty and I pray I never forget that. I do need to study for an exam I have tomorrow night, but I also need to take care of myself so I commit to having sane, healthy meals today and going to an OA meeting. If you are a lurker or someone who regularly contacts me, thank you for your support and your prayers. Your walk on this journey of life with me means the world.

OMG, where did that come from?

I'm not having the best of days today, just feeling a little overwhelmed with some emotions. I went to an OA meeting and could feel myself on the verge of crying but I didn't know where the feelings were coming from. When I raised my hand to share, I figured out what it was. This afternoon, following that meeting, a sponsorship fair at the OA headquarters here in San Diego was scheduled, the first one that has ever been done in that type of setting. If someone is looking for a sponsor, they could go there and go to the various tables to talk to people. So, I realized as I started to share that I just had not quite yet tapped into everything I was feeling about what my former sponsor did to me. Today, during my share, it all came out in the form of tears and ugly crying. You know know what I mean by ugly crying, don't you? The kind where you can't catch your breath and the tears won't stop coming? I finally tapped into the hurt I was feeling down deep. During my share, I committed to the group that I would stay for the sponsorship fair, which was due to start about a half hour after our meeting ended.

I had decided after the meeting was over, however, to go get some lunch. I was hungry, it was past lunch time and they were still setting up for the fair. There was a healthy place to get some food just a couple of blocks away. As I was getting out of my car to go in, I convinced myself that I just wasn't going to go back, that I might try and find a sponsor another day. (Quite opposite of what I had shared in the meeting, about needing a new person to work with because you just can't be in a 12-step recovery program and do it by yourself. Otherwise, you'd be considered a dry drunk or, in a compuslive overeater's language, just on another diet.)

Anyway, as I go in there, I see someone from OA that was going to go to the sponsorship fair herself. I am convinced that was God doing for me what I can't do for myself. That person was there to get me to go back to the sponsorship fair after lunch, I was absolutely convinced of it and still am. We sat together and had a healthy, abstinent meal. Afterwards, I got back in my car and, yes, I did return to attend the fair. It was a little overwhelming emotionally because I cried with practically every person I spoke to, whether it was people who were potential sponsors or friends. I'm not usually this weepy, I'm really not, but today I am just feeling things so very deeply. One of my friends asked me if I would like to talk as she hugged me and even that made me cry. We went outside and I just let out all of my hurt. I think I am just finally admitting how much my previous sponsor really hurt me after working together so closely for 6 years. It felt like a sucker punch to my soul. I've had people hurt me in my life and to have someone do it who was so close to me, well it was just brutal to my heart I think.

I did go around and talked to quite a few people. What I realized is that I need to wholeheartedly forgive my sponsor, to give that hurt to God, and to cherish where I am right now. Right now, I feel blessed with the opportunity of continuing to grow and heal. I took the names and numbers of three people who I think would be a really great fit for me. There is one person in particular who I think I am going to contact. I just felt a kinship with her and admire her program. She just radiated God's love and she didn't even know me at all. No matter what, though, I am not letting what happened with my previous sponsor break me or my recovery process. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for, that's for sure. When I look at everything I have been through ... savage child abuse, rape, diabetes ... I realize I am a very strong person after all, who trusts in God and His blessings.

A complete and utter jaw-dropper

Do you know who Susan Boyle is? She is this 47-year year old woman who is the truest example to me of never judging a book by it's cover. She appeared on the show Britain's Got Talent. I confess that I never watched the show before in it's entirety, maybe snippets here and there because people tend to be cruel to the contestants and I just wasn't interested in watching that. However, I heard about this story and was hooked.

This woman walked onto the stage, a bit older than the norm, overweight, perhaps not the most attractive person but you could see just a lovely, warm person. She was immediately judged by her appearance. If you didn't hear it from the audience's cat calls to her, you could see it on their faces. Then, they were all immediately silenced as soon as she sang her first sentence of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miz. Then the entire audience stood and cheered her on in total amazement. I rooted for her and can't watch the video enough. You go girl!! Show those people who and what you are made of. Maybe someone will get how mean they were to her, to other people when they judged her. I've been on the receiving end of that in my life and I tell you it's not pleasant. I wish I could have handled it with the grace this woman did.

Watch it ... I'm sure it will touch you just as much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Okay, so this is why I shouldn't eat in my car

On Friday, I will be presenting my sponsee with her three year abstinence token during the OA meeting that night, an absolute honor for me. However, that meant having to go down and getting her token during lunch yesterday, which is my only window of time all week long. I thought to myself, okay, you still need to eat lunch at some point. I had been skipping it some of the days because I was so busy at work and lost track of time. Not intentional, but it did happen. I was trying so hard not to do that. So, brilliant girl that I am (ha ha on that one when you read my story), I decided that eating behind the wheel would be a great and fantastic idea. That way, I rationalized, I can kill two birds with one stone.

So, I pull out my lunch and proceed to eat it while driving back to work from my errand. It was quite a distance, going through city streets and the highway. I was doing great, but then a dollop dripped down onto my body. Dang it! I realized that if it got onto my top, I'd have to go home and change because I had two classroom presentations to give with parents and students that evening. Not a good representative of our high school with a stain on my chest. Thankfully it landed on the seat belt that I was strapped into. I start hunting for a napkin, meanwhile I'm sort of weaving on the road. By this time, I had gotten off the freeway and was back on surface streets, but there were a lot of twists and turns. As I'm still trying to wipe it away, I almost hit a signpost, which freaks me out. Finally, when I get back to work at school, I pulled myself together and got out of the car.

It got me to thinking about a couple of things. First, eating in my car was a gigantor mistake! It reminded me of times when I would go through a drive through at night and eat in my car on my way to or from something so no one could see me. I remember one time driving home from work with the specific intention of going to this particular fast-food joint that I loved. When I got off the freeway and was waiting at the light to turn right, a child comes out of nowhere and runs right into my car with his bike. I got out and take care of the situation (he was alright, just a little shaken up). What was on my mind the whole time? That food. When everything was settled with him, I went straight to that food place and fulfilled my intent. I called the insurance company after I had eaten everything. Sad, very sad.

The other thing I thought about is that old misconception that many people in other 12-step programs have that people in OA don't have it so bad. I mean, after all, at least you can't kill someone behind the wheel from a Big Mac like you could if you're drinking. Oh no? Look at how preoccupied I was with wiping food off myself and I almost hit something. I have had situations where it was more important for me to eat behind the wheel, in my secret hiding place, than worry about other people around me. I came close of hitting bikers on the side on several occassions. Besides, even if we in OA never kill someone else, we are killing ourselves and our families with the pain of compulsive overeating.

So, my lesson ... don't ever eat behind the wheel again. It's seriously not worth it!

Obese friars and memories of Easter candy

I had a very difficult statistics exam today in my ongoing quest for higher ed. All I pray for with this course is to pass it. I'm doing the best I can with it, but math has never been my strong suit. However, this is the last formal math class I will need. Beyond this, I will need to prepare for the CBEST and GRE for grad school, but that isn't for a while yet. Anyway, I have studied until I couldn't stand it any longer and then I studied beyond that. As I'm waiting to take the exam, the professor and several of the students start talking about baseball. I support our home team, the Padres, but I'm more of a football girl than baseball. They started talking about team mascots and the professor says, "I don't get why the Padres have an obese friar as their mascot." That brought on rip-roaring laughter from the class. He went on to point out that you don't see obese people at bat. So, here I am sitting at the back of the room, trying to focus on the difference between correlation coefficients, standard deviations, etc. and here they are cracking fat jokes at the front of the room.

I was offended and upset. More importantly, though, I was disgusted. It is more acceptable in society to be anything other than fat, overweight, obese or whatever other lovely word can be used in it's place. Many people just think it is something who can't put their fork down and walk away. To an extent, that is true, but it's so much more than that. There is a reason it's hard to put the fork down. There have been times in my life that the reason I put the fork down was because I was getting physically ill only to get sick and then pick the fork up again when I was feeling better. That's a sickness, that is for sure, not just someone who likes to eat. Believe me, I don't. I wasn't sitting in the back of the room being bitter, just thought it was very sad that that type of talk was considered so hilarious. I did pray when I caught myself being judgmental of all of them. "God, help them see that we are all Your children." I need to remind myself of that all the time when I have my moments of getting too critical of myself.

Later in the day, after I recovered from that exam that made me hurt all over, I went grocery shopping. I'm going to church in the morning and wanted to get an Easter card for my friend that I go to church with while I was in the store. I pulled into the card aisle, which also was the place where all of the Easter candy was. OMG, you would have thought it was the end times or something. People were packed in there like sardines, practically fighting each other for a bag of candy. I remember those days very well. I reveled in the holidays not because they meant something to me but because that was when there was candy galore and you didn't have to make some excuse as to why you were buying it. I mean, it's Easter after all - it's for the kids. Except my problem is that I don't have kids. Then I'd say, oh, it's for the kids at school (where I work). It's for my secret buddy or it's for the candy dish on my desk. Yeah, sure it is. Instead, it was really death by chocolate - film at 11. Today, I don't eat any of that. Not even one bite. If I do, I want the entire thing. That doesn't mean I don't desire food with sugar. I do, but I choose not to pick up. Thankfully, chocolates don't even call my name at all these days. It's other types of sugar that does, but I don't go there a day at a time. That doesn't mean I don't struggle with my food choices or quantities, but I at least don't have the insanity around the holidays because of all the chocolate around. I was able to pick out my Easter card and turn my cart around, heading in the other direction, far from those candy pickers who might scratch your eyes out if you get in the way. Ah, the memories!

In the still of the night

I've had a full day, so I'm just winding down right now. Took this picture of my two sweet kitties. They always let me know it's getting late when they start curling down next to where I'm sitting and sleep on top of each other. Listening to their breathing in a quiet room at the end of the day brings about so much peace. I've been doing a lot of studying for my statistics exam on Saturday, but thoughts of this whole situation with my sponsor has been on my mind a lot so it makes it pretty difficult to focus on standard deviations (on the other hand, who in their right mind wants to focus on that anyway??).

I went to a meeting today and my sponsee was also there. It was nice to sit next to her. I can't imagine doing to her what was done to me, but I guess everybody is different. I did share in the meeting a little bit about what has happened, except I didn't go into very many details because many of the people in the room know who my sponsor is. I didn't want to be gossipy, just wanted to focus on how I was feeling. As I started talking, I really realized how hurt I am. Not only that this happened, but that I didn't take care of myself sooner and spoken up before this. If I'm honest, things have not been right with my sponsor for many months, if not a year or more. If I am going to work with a sponsor, and who knows what that is going to look like, I need someone who is actually available to me and commits to making the time for me. The thing that drove me the most nuts was calling on the scheduled days and times and getting a voicemail about half the time. Beyond that, I realized today how much I grew with her. She was the first person in my life that I really, truly trusted in a no-holds-barred sort of way. I will always be grateful to her for that, but the hurt is also pretty substantial. Time heals, I know that. I don't want to revert back. I can't.

Tomorrow, I'm planning on going to a Good Friday service at my church at noon and then to a meeting in the evening. At this time of year, I get reminded that God loves me so much and sacrificed a great deal for me. I know this every day when I think about the journeys in my life. Always must I rely on my faith to see me through anything in my life. With that, I have nothing to fear, including this lesson on how imperfect we all really are.

Change sometimes really stinks

On Tuesday last week, I had a disagreement with my OA sponsor on the phone. The short of it is that she asked me how my food was going and I told her everything was fine, but I did miss lunch a couple of days at work the previous week. It wasn't on purpose, just got super busy and didn't have anything packed. However, I had turned it around and was bringing in lunch. The last couple months at work have been insane, and the last couple of weeks have been the worse of it. She proceeded to scold me, like I was a child, then she abruptly ended the phone call. I was really upset and did not call her for a couple of days. I just needed some time to process all of it.

For those that are not familiar with how a 12-step program works, you work the steps with a sponsor who guides you based on their experience, strength and hope. I came to her after having worked with another person who betrayed my confidence and told her husband absolutely everything I had told her as my sponsor. So, I was walking gingerly forward. I had worked with my current sponsor for 6 years and eventually came to trust her, telling her absolutely everything. There was no stone unturned, no secret that I had buried that she didn't know about.

So anyway, I was toying with the idea of finding another sponsor. She only made herself available 3 times per week (versus daily) and more than half the time, I would get her voicemail. But, when she scolded me the way she did, I felt like a bad little girl. That only fueled the fire of me thinking about working with someone else. I just felt like I wasn't progressing and I have gained back weight, even though I have been abstinent. I decided to give it another try since we have such a long history together. We finally connected tonight and she told me that she felt it was time for me to find another sponsor.

I was incredibly hurt, to say the least. I also was feeling like I should have just listened to my gut. There is a part of me, too, that is upset that she let me go instead of the other way around. I know, that's lame but it's honestly how I felt. How do you tell someone your life story, and I mean absolutely everything, and then just walk away? I was having an affair with a married man when she met me and she helped me find the strength to walk away from it. She helped me through a job change, healing from the rape and child abuse ... just so much. Truly, it is the end of a very important relationship in my life. It was probably time, but I just wish things could have ended better. Now I'm feeling like I don't want to go and find another sponsor and do this all over again. Life goes on and I know this, so I will find another sponsor. I'm just feeling a tremendous loss right now and it's painful. Yet, I know that my continuing recovery is the most important thing. I will turn to God and thank Him for this blessing. I know it is for the best, just hard walking through it.

Squeezing in

This post is going to be about an extreme amount of humility ... or is it humiliation? I can't quite figure it out. So, I went to one of my classes tonight. I love the class and am doing really well in it. However, every week, without fail, I dread going. It's because the desks that we have to sit in look very similar to this, just brown. The fit is tight for a normal-sized person. But try to get a compulsive overeater squeezed in there and now you can see my dilemma. Every time I sit in this, it just digs into my body and I feel like I can't get a full breath. I'm sure I can, but it's just how it feels.

And, every time, without fail, I feel like exercising for a couple of hours afterwards to somehow make that less-than feeling go away. If I close my eyes and click my heels together three times, maybe I'll lose 50 pounds by the time I open my eyes again. I know, I know ... I'm being silly. However, those of you who have weight issues can understand where these feelings come from. Sometimes all I want to do is just fit in, not stick out like a sore thumb. "Look at the fat lady, news at 11."

These are just the things that go through my very active head. I know this is all going to be fine. I just keep reminding myself that this is a day at a time. Through this, I know I can continue to praise God. At least I can fit in the desk. No matter how uncomfortable it may be, at least I can squeeze in there. And things won't be like this forever. Heck, things may not be like this when I wake up in the morning. After all, this particular class is only on Monday nights so I won't have to deal with this for another week. And then, I won't even have to deal with it until it's just right in front of me. This is one of the reasons I do love blogging ... I can journal about how I'm feeling as I walk through this life trying to recover from compulsive overeating and I'm sure at least one person, if not more, can identify with my plight.

This is the softer, easier way

I don't know about you, but I have spent a majority of my life looking for the way out of this "food problem" by seeking solutions that I thought would be quicker, cheaper, less invasive or whatever appropriate word I can put on it rather than "diet". Along my journey, I have done Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, grapefruit, cabbage, Slim Fast, AIDS candies, alphabet and myriad of other diets. I'm not knocking them .... some actually have healthy food plans. But, for me, I have found that if I don't deal with why I am picking up the food in the first place (other than hunger), I will always be on the hunt and I will always view Monday as another day that I am going on a diet.

It is precisely this reason that I am on this journey through Overeaters Anonymous. When I truly work this program, it does work. I mean, I had lost 140 pounds when I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. When I don't work this program, I go into relapse and gain all my weight back, plus change to spare. It does take commitment on my part and a willingness to go to any length. Yesterday afternoon was a reminder of that.

I was sitting in an OA meeting. It's a relatively small meeting, which I like sometimes because the sharing tends to be a little more open and you get to know the people more. I was still on my high after having finished reading The Shack. In this particular meeting, we read the For Today selection for the day and then share on it or anything else we would like to share about. The reading focused on the idea of remaining teachable. I know God is always trying to teach me something, and that meeting time was no exception. A person shared about how they had made it through steps 1, 2 and 3 but would get stuck every time they got to step 4 and the issue of resentments came up. They shared about how they wanted some other way to get through that step instead of going through the resentments. Instead of dealing with that, they stopped going to meetings, stopped calling their sponsor, stopped being abstinent. Their entire share was how about it was horrible of their sponsor to insist they work through the resentments, but this person just wanted some other way.

I get that, I totally get that. However, the truth is, and I'm only speaking for myself, if I don't deal with the resentments and clean my side of the street, I will forever be battling these things. That was evident in what I wrote yesterday in this blog, about holding on to resentments and hurts from my mother and the person who raped me. Sure, the resentment was not as large and looming as it once was, but it stayed with me. And sometimes it affected my food, but moreso it affected my relationships - with other people, with myself and with God. I believe healing sometimes involves pain. Whoever promised there would never be pain? Certainly not God. On the other side of that pain, however, is beauty and peace. I pray for the person who shared in the meeting about not wanting to deal with resentments. But more than that, I praise God for showing me, yet again, that I would be in that same place as the other person had it not been for His grace.

So, am I on the hunt for another diet? Nope. I may use food plans that make sense for my body and my needs, but I need what I get in the rooms of OA. God brought me there and, one day at a time, He will keep me there. Whether I struggle or I have good days, or both, that is where I belong. I need to be around other people who understand the addiction to food or behaviors around food, who get that compulsion to eat that most other people don't understand. I am a great respector of that. I don't have an addiction at all to alcohol - I could take it or leave it alone forever - but I still understand that addictive feeling for those who are alcoholics. Believe it or not, walking through is always the easier, softer way - at least in my experience.

I forgive them, I forgive them, I forgive them ....

Have you ever had a book just shake your core? I mean in a way that just really knocked you off your foundation? That's what happened to me when I finished reading The Shack. If you haven't read it, you MUST. Without giving away too much of the book's plot, it is the story of something so terribly tragic happening to a family, leading to healing through the immense love of God. The book especially speaks to the person who already loves God, but has had questions along the way of "Why?"

I picked up the book quite some time ago and started to read it. Then, with the excuse of life getting in the way, I put it down. The truth is, though, that I think I identified too much. Not exactly with the tragedy described in the book, but in my own tragedies - abuse as a child and rape. Then, last weekend at an OA meeting, I was catching up with someone who I hadn't seen for quite some time. We got to talking and she mentioned The Shack to me. I told her I had started reading it and didn't finish. She told me I had to. As I read, I laughed, I visualized and I cried. Not only did I cry, I wept, like a child.

The tears were about finally realizing that I had not forgiven my mother who had abused me for years as a child. I had not forgiven a man who raped me when I was just 13 years old. And, most importantly, I had not forgiven myself. I have done a lot of work in program to wade through my feelings and try to find forgiveness. I was on the road, but I just could never get there completely. There was still some part of me, deep down inside, that really hated these two people for what they had done to me. They took such a special part of me and just trampled on it. They took my trust, chewed it up and spit it out. They broke me into little pieces that I am still trying to put together. And, in a place that I guess I don't talk about very much, I want them to hurt as much as they have hurt me. I want them to be emotionally tortured, as I have been. I want them to know the pain of feeling alone, of not trusting other people, of not letting other people into my soul, of pushing people away, of feeling ugly and unworthy, of feeling self-conscious, of feeling like I was not good enough to be loved, not even by God.

Now, as I write this, I do find that I am feeling emotionally spent having gone through this book that somehow touched my core, let the tears come until they stopped and finally give me the willingness to find forgiveness. As it described, it's like taking your fingers that were wrapped around someone's neck and releasing them, one at a time. It doesn't mean forgetting, but forgiving. It's not about their healing, but it's about mine. I can give them over to God. They are His children, too, no matter what they have done in their lives to me, or other people. Their outcome is not up to me. What is up to me is to forgive - not only them, but myself. I have been so hard on myself lately about weight, about questioning how strong my program of recovery really is and a myriad of other things. Just as He wants me to seek forgiveness for them, I know He also wants those things for me, too. Truly, it's a long time coming.

Was it a coincidence that I met up with that OA member last weekend? Was it a coincidence that I had the book in my home? No, I don't believe so. I believe God uses sitautions for His glory. Here I am, with willingness in my heart to go to deep, dark places because I trust and I have faith today. I forgive them and I forgive myself. Read The Shack. I promise you that you won't be disappointed.

What a day!

I am so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. At least, that's how it feels. I wonder if I will make it from the living room to my bedroom. Have you ever had one of those times when you're driving down the freeway and you feel yourself in the beginning stages of nodding off? While driving? That was me tonight. I just felt like my neck couldn't possibly support my head.

From the word go, my day was pretty busy. There were times today, as I was sitting at my desk, that I just felt like I couldn't pick up one more piece of paper, answer one more phone call, type one more e-mail or see one more person. I thank God above that Spring Break came when it did. Tensions are very high at work with the budget situation, possible salary reductions, work furloughs and people minimizing each other's work. The morale is really low. Meanwhile, we all still have jobs to do.

After work, I rushed home, talked to a program friend and headed down to a meeting. I had to thank everyone in the room for being there because I had no business being any other place. In the rooms of recovery is what I need. I'm planning on going to as many meetings as I can while I am on vacation. I need the sanity I get in those rooms. For those of you working 12 step programs, you know exactly what I'm talking about. For those that don't, I hope you some day get to experience that. It's a wonderful, beautiful thing.

What l've got is a blessing

The thought from For Today: "The true source of serenity, of good feelings, is not getting what I want, but wanting what I've got."

When I think about it, I have got so much. Many, many blessings that are beyond measure. Why is there the desire to focus on the have-nots? I can be quite certain that many people would want what I have and here I go focusing on the things I don't like instead of on the things that are important.

• I have the pleasure, in fact honor, of working with young people everyday in my profession. While it may not be for everyone, it is for me. I get to experience their joys, as well as to comfort them. I am mother, friend, confidant, advisor to over 2,400 students in my workplace. And, trust me, I wouldn't have it any other way.
• I get to work on my education and have so many opportunities in front of me. In some lands, education is a luxury. Sometimes I am very tired with working full-time to add school on top of that, but I have such an amazing choice today to expand my horizons and my mind.
• I have a family that loves me, even when I'm not a perfect human being. And I get to do the same for them. I know that no matter how many times I have stumbled in my life, my dad has always been my biggest supporter.
• I have friends that really matter to me. If I picked up the phone and needed them, I know they would be right there for me. There are some people in the world in that don't have even one of those people in their lives. I feel really blessed.
• I am in love with God, in a way I could never describe to another person quite well. I know He protects me and that I am never alone, even when I may feel like that. The great news is that He loves me, too. It's a special relationship that gives me great comfort during both good times and bad.

I could go on, but I do need to head off to work. This is my last day before Spring Break. I won't have to be back until April 14th, which is alright by me!! I am feeling better today about the video thing, knowing that everything is a work in progress - including me ;-) Enjoy your Friday. TGIF baby!!

Seeing myself on video

For the speech class I'm taking right now, we're required to have 2 of our speeches videotaped and then watch them back at home for a self-critique. I'm not sure what made me more nervous ... delivering the actual speech or the idea of watching myself back on the computer. I just watched it and I was saddened. I have gained weight back and I could see it on my body when watching the tape. My immediate reaction, like a true compulsive overeater, was to try to do something to take away the feelings I was having about watching myself with more weight on my poor body. No wonder my back has been hurting more and my feet ache more at the end of the day. I thought, hmm, maybe I should go change my clothes so that I can fit in a long workout before bed. No matter what, I do not have the much needed power to make this all go away overnight, nor in any way at all. However, I do have the power to acknowledge how it made me feel. I have to face the facts that I need to work my program more strongly and perhaps be a little bit more honest with myself about my food choices. Even abstinent food can cause weight gain! I don't want to continue going in this direction. Before I go to bed tonight, I commit to praying and asking God to help me remember that I have power over certain things and no power whatsoever over other things. For now, I get to deal with how I'm feeling about that video. And, before I discount it entirely, I do have to say that I delivered a pretty great little speech. You couldn't even tell I was nervous at all and I can see how I earned that 97 out of a 100 grade. I felt really good about that and I don't want to be so self-indulgent that I forget to acknowledge how far I really have come with the public speaking thing.