Been insanely busy

Last night I was at an OA meeting and we did a reading from one of the books that talked about the steps and tools being key to recovery. The author talked about all the things she used to do when she first got abstinent from compulsive overeating. Then, over time, she wasn't as diligent in doing them. As a result, she gained back some weight, even while being abstinent, and feeling not as peaceful internally. I completely identified with what she said. When I was first abstinent, I was so on it about doing step work every day, using the tools every day and making recovery priority one.

Where am I now? I have gained weight while being abstinent and sometimes I do feel emotionally removed from the program. Not something I like, that's for sure. In the mornings, I barley have enough time to get ready, even though I do have a sponsee call me. I used to read 4 meditation books, pray and still had time for everything else, including eating breakfast (which has really been hit or miss lately). Things in my life have just been too impossible lately. For example, I had a 5-chapter exam in Statistics today (which was a killer!) and I have a 5-chapter exam in Speech Monday. A test on 5 chapters in a college course is not exactly easy, but then double it and it leaves me feeling a little overwhelmed. At work, it has been so busy that I can't even describe it in words. On top of that, our counseling staff got word this week that we will likely lose at least two counselors, if not another one, leaving about half the counselors we already have. They are all my friends and my heart is just breaking for them. The state budget is wreaking havoc in education and this is just the beginning. My job may be in jeopardy, too. It's unlikely since I've been with the school district for almost 20 years, but there is a possibility that they could lay off all classified employees, which would eliminate my bumping rights.

On the good news front, I have decided that it's time for me to buy a house. Condo might be more like it, but still. I have been wanting to do it for so long, but there's much fear involved in the process for me. Yet, now is the time. Actually, I'm not going to do it now - I'm extending my current lease here for 6 months to give myself time to do my homework and to find out what happens with the job situation. I don't want to make such a huge purchase without doing some research. If I jump feet first, I feel like I would regret it. I qualify for the first-time homebuyers' $8,000 tax break from the stimulus package, so that is a huge incentive for me. I believe there are other things I qualify for as well because, at this point, I don't have the extra funds for down/closing costs. I know there are programs out there to help with that so we shall see. I ran my FICO score and I'm actually doing very well there, which surprised me. It shouldn't, though, because I've been doing a lot of work to clean that all up from past mistakes. There is one thing I need to dispute on the report, but it still leaves me with good interest rates. I'm putting all of this in God's capable hands. Meanwhile, I'm doing the footwork that I can do. It's exciting, but it's also very scary!

So, I am committing to giving my program (i.e. me) more time. I will get up earlier, even if it's just by 15 minutes, so that I can minimally pray and read "For Today". Who knows if I'll add more in the future, but for now that is what I can do and I commit to do. Oh, and eating breakfast ... I must, I must, I must.

An incredibly strong message

This weekend, I heard such a great message at church that seemed like it was just for me. I'm sure the other people listening were hearing what they needed to for themselves, but it was as if God was speaking to just me. I was reminded that someday, there will be no more suffering. My body will no longer have aches, pains, disease. And, when I heard those words, I started to cry. What joy that message gave me, down to the deepest part of my being. Someday, I won't be diabetic, a compulsive overeater, a person with knee pain that only has gotten worse over time. Maybe I'll even be a "normal" body size. That is a promise made to me. Some days, the physical pain I go through is overwhelming and some days the fear of the disease of diabetes gets to me. Will this be the day that complications of this disease show themselves to me? Will this be the day that I lose my eyesight or lose limbs?

I know ... morbid thinking. I promise it's not in a morbid way but in a way that a person living with a disease thinks about. Sorry, but I just can't help that. If I could have a surgery to make it go away, I'm sure I would. Many people have ailments, but, for most, it is not something that could end their life. Sure, it might be uncomfortable, even painful, but it won't kill you. For me, however, it can. Yet, that message in church was a great comfort to me. Someday, this will all be a non-issue in my life. How wonderful! How beautiful!

I'm not being negative, I promise. I actually am looking at the positives today. I have a message of hope. I'm here now and I'm doing the best I can, even when every day is not the best, and that really is all I can do. God will continue taking care of me, I just have to let Him (sometimes easier said than done, that's for sure!!).

On vacation

So, I have a glorious week of vacation and I'm excited. Not that I have these fantastic plans to travel the world, but just not to work for a week while getting paid is nice. The last several weeks, probably since Christmas, have just been really challenging at work, at school and in my life as a whole. Sleeping in is a treat! During my time off, I do have to do some catch-up work in my statistics class and work on a major paper due in my other class.

My program is going well. I do have to fight that internal voice that says I have such a long way to go and that it's just better to stay home than go to a meeting. I have been struggling with my exercise lately because of problems with my knee from the car accident. But I also do know that I have to find ways to work around it because my body will like it better with less weight on.

In a follow-up to my issues with the lease on my apartment expiring, I got official notification yesterday in the mail of the new rent. In addition to the normal increase, they had the audacity of raising my pent rent each month from $50 to $70. What a racket! How can you possibly justify that? It's bad enough having to pay pet rent in the first place - I mean, should I ask the kitties if they want to give me cash or use a check to pay?? So, anyway, I marched over to the rental office. And, yes, I was mad. I was trying to check it and not let it show on my face because I did not want to have to apologize later for my behavior. I went in there and told them I would like to put in my notice to move. They, again, went into the reasons why rent would be lower for people just moving in. And I asked them, "How would you like it if you knew the people living next door to you, who just moved in and have the same exact floor plan as you, are paying $300 less per month than you are?" It's a business and I need to stop taking it personally. It's just that it stings, feeling like I'm being taken advantage of and I've lived here for almost 7 years. Ugh. So, I put in the notice and will be somewhere else near the beginning of April. I didn't have to notify them so soon, but I just needed to take this action for myself. Now I have an opportunity to go into something better and maybe a lot cheaper. Paying for school out of my pocket, with a little bit of financial aid, helps to be in a cheaper place. Stay tuned ;-)

Sadness when a friendship ends

Without going into details since I try to respect other people's privacy, a friendship I had for a lot of years has ended. That makes me very sad but perhaps it is for the best. Meanwhile, I still need to do the best I can to be in the day and work my program all the more. Life still keeps going on, even when there are bad days. Now's a good time to write my gratitude list of 5 things for today:

1. I'm abstinent as I type this.
2. I have a job I love.
3. I got a perfect score on the speech I gave on Monday.
4. I am happy to be looking for another place to live.
5. God is so good to me.

Feeling upset tonight

Okay, I need to vent...

The lease at my apartment is going to expire in 2 months. I have been thinking about moving because I assume my rent is going up, like it always does. Besides, even if it doesn't, it's still way too expensive to say. I pay $1430/mo for my 1 bedroom place. It's a really nice place and certainly convenient to work, but it's just too much money.

So, anyway, I have been looking around to see what other places are out there. I really have a bug to rent a house. I've never lived in one before and a small one would be perfect for me. Craig's List happened to list an apartment in my area for just over $1000. I thought to myself, hmm, wonder where that is. It's not a house, but it's convenient. I look at the place and it's in my very own apartment complex. I was flabbergasted. I'm paying $1430 and they are renting apartments just like mine for hundreds less? WTF!!

I sent an e-mail to the manager and she called me today. She said my rent was going up $16 to $1446. Now, it's just $16 but that isn't the point. Why are they charging me so much money? I said to her, "I don't want to be a jerk, but it seems to me that if I move out and move back in, I will be paying like $400 less. Am I correct?" She confirmed it. Then she said to me, in what I felt was a condescending tone, that I had to understand how the market works - that they are renting apartments for lowering prices to get the units rented. Oh, I totally understand, I get it. But that's exactly my point - the market calls for lower rents yet I'm being charged more. In fact, I have been in this complex for almost seven years and they are taking advantage. They told me I could transfer to another apartment if I wanted and take the chances on getting a better rent. Oh, I don't think so! If I have to move, I want to actually move on out of here, especially to a cheaper place.

So, it left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't want to stay to spite them. They think they're going to bilk me for so much money? They have got to be crazy! I'm still mad, if you couldn't tell. I talked to my sponsor, thank you God. She reminded me that God is absolutely in charge. Geez, I totally forgot that. Seriously. Why do I manage to forget that in the moment?? I'm working right now on a pro/con list, writing down what is important to me in all of this. It's just that I hate moving and I did it just 2 years ago moving from one apartment to another in this complex, which was not my choice. Ugh is all I can say.

However, I don't mean this to be a complain session. I have just been so upset today. However, a positive is that I was nominated for classified employee of the year at my school site today. What a blessing! It's so great to be appreciated.

Thank you so much for your hugs

I have so say thank you to those who posted a comment on my last message or those that contacted me directly. While we all don't walk the same exact path, we all do it together and I'm so grateful for that. My knee still really hurts, especially with all the rain we've been having, but I need to take it a day at a time. A novel concept, huh?

A daily battle

I've been in a lot of physical pain for quite some time and haven't really said much about it. I've been trying to manage it, but the days have not been so good lately. I have posted quite often before that I have diabetes. I am working with that ... most days in control of my blood sugar, other days I am not. I'm not one to make it be the only thing I talk about. Nothing drives me more nuts that someone who is always complaining about something or another every time you talk to them. That's why I try hard to keep things to myself or with my doctor, trying to seek the care she can give me.

But I've been having some pains of other sorts lately and I just need to write about them. In 1995, the day of the Superbowl when the Chargers played, I was in an automobile accident. I was hit from the side, my car was totaled and I was left with a permanent knee injury when my left knee smashed into the dashboard. I went through months of physical therapy and saw an orthopedic specialist. There was nothing more I could do, it was permanent damage. He told me I should never live upstairs, that I shouldn't even be walking for exercise - for the rest of my life.

I was 24 years old. Now I am 37 and the pain I feel in that knee is beyond description. I felt it badly today. I was picking up a prescription at the doctor's office and decided to go down two flights of stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. Every time I took a step down on the left side, it feel like someone was jabbing a knife straight into my knee. Every single step. By the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, there were tears in my eyes simply from the sheer pain of it. At the time of the accident, I was dealing with insurance companies. I had to eventually sign off on it and accept the offer they were giving me for pain and suffering. I tried to go see lawyers about this because I knew someday I would probably have to replace the knee, but they wouldn't take my case. It all came down to weight. I was having slight pain in the other knee, I'm assuming from weight-related issues, and none of the lawyers would take the risk with me.

So now, I'm in a lot of pain. Even getting in and out of my car hurts because it's a little lower to the ground than I would like, but I really can't afford to buy another one. I know losing more weight will certainly help it, but it feels like I'm trapped. I'm trying so hard to lose more, but every time I exercise, it brings out more pain. If I don't exercise, the pain never leaves me. These days lately I feel like my body is giving out on me, like it's slowly shutting down. I'm not giving up, not at all, but it just feels so painful to just be. And I have to be honest ... I feel all alone in this. I have a chronic illness (two, in fact) that will kill me, being a compulsive overeater who is also a diabetic. If I don't get the weight off, it will continue to do so. At times, I feel so judged in the OA rooms. I know everyone loves me, but compulsive overeaters can be some of the most judging people in the world. You can say a lot with your eyes or in the way you don't speak to me at meetings or in numerous other ways.

In church on Sunday, I got a wristband that says Trust Me, from Proverbs 3:5-6. I am wearing it on my left hand as a constant remember that God will never leave me, that I can just trust Him to take care of me. In the interim, I have not been feeling very well. I just needed to say that, to whomever is reading this. I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to on this, at least not right now. I'm feeling a bit frustrated and certainly sad. I wish I didn't have this pain that I do. If you are fortunate enough to run on your legs or even climb down a few stairs without any problem (up doesn't hurt, it's going down that kills) , cherish that. You can't imagine how painful it is to just do normal everyday types of things.

Laughing hysterically

So, you have to like cats to appreciate this video. But OMG it made me laugh out loud! It just reminded me of the time my first cat had six kittens and how crazy they all were. Funny ;-)

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1898842