Crazy busy

I haven't posted in awhile and blogging always helps calm me a little, so here I am! I started another semester at school, taking speech and statistics. Add that to working full time and being in OA ... no wonder I feel tired. But, so far so good in the classes. I already have two speeches coming up that I'm trying to work on and I'm in it in stats. Yet, no matter what work level is involved, I am loving it. I like learning and find this semester will be giving me lots of opportunity for that.

I do have to say that the only negative has been the seat situation in my speech class. I barely fit in the desk. It's one of those combo chair/desk situations, but one of the older, very tiny kind. So, sitting in that for three hours is very uncomfortable for me. The first thing I wanted to do when I got home from class is exercise. I felt that insanity pop up of wanting to lose 50 pounds by the time I woke up in the morning. However, I did talk to my sponsor about it and owned how I was feeling. It is what it is, but I am continuing my OA work. I certainly am grateful that I at least fit in the desk. I've been in classes where I wasn't the biggest one in the room and that person had to sit in a chair with no desk because they couldn't fit. If anyone who doesn't have an addiction to food in some sense is reading this and still thinks it's just mind over matter, I hope you stick around and learn more. I wish I could just have the "willpower", but that's not the situation for me. However, one day at a time, I'll get to a place where I won't have to worry about fitting into something any longer. I have already experienced snippets of that and look forward to more.

Seeing dreams come true

I came home for lunch today, partly because I left my lunch here and partly because I wanted to watch some of the presidential stuff on TV. As I watched this momentous event play out in front of me, I felt so emotional. No matter what side of the fence you are on - Democrat, Republican, Independent - you must admit that this a breathtaking time. I wasn't happy with either candidate at the end, so it was hard casting my ballot. But I did. It got me thinking about dreams coming true. I know what it is to have a dream ... or 2 or 3. To want something so bad in the core of who you are that you are rocked to your foundation wanting to see it come true. Now, my dreams are not the same as the president's. Yet, to me, they are very important. Things like working at a job I love, getting a college degree, finding God in my life, and more. I have a job I adore. I am in college now pursuing that degree. God is central in my life. There are more dreams I have, sure. But I'm starting to realize some of them now. I can see them happening before my eyes and that is now what shakes me to the core. God is so good. He is so amazing. Look at the miracle He performed before millions today. We have an African American president. I do, you do. I lived to see that happened. No matter if I agree with his politics or not, I am totally in awe of the miracle.

Meditation

I got a neat little gadget for Christmas from my folks. It's a new alarm clock that has soothing sounds on it. Instead of an annoying beep or loud music, I can wake up to the sound of wind chimes, the ocean, birds in the woods. I found that it is helping me quiet my mind down enough to have some much needed meditation time. I always strive to work on meditation since it's a really great way of hearing whatever it is God needs to convey to me. But, when it comes time to do it, I last about 5 minutes, maybe 10 if I'm lucky. The other day, though, I turned on the ocean sound. And, lo and behold, I was calm. My mind wasn't going in a million different directions. It actually felt like I was walking at La Jolla Shores with no one else on the beach. It was great!

Lately, things have been ultra stressful at work. I am finding myself doing whatever I can to just relax when I get home. I'm back in school next week, starting on Tuesday, so I need my time to myself whenever I can get it. I'm looking forward to getting back to class, for some odd reason. I'm taking behavioral statistics and speech this coming semester. Between the two classes, I spent $180 on books. In fact, my stats book looks hardly bigger than a standard Bible and it was $85. Just seems crazy to me. But, for today, that's okay.

I'm 4 years old

My OA birthday was this week. I have 4 years of abstinence. I completely forgot, until a friend wished me a happy birthday. There was a time when I would have been obsessively counting the days, so I find it comical that I forgot. This year has been a struggle, with weight gain and the need to rework my plan of eating. With that said, I was able to be perfectly abstinent. I know that my weight loss is slower for a reason and I need to be okay with that for today. There is a process and I honor that. I'm a child of God, who has a plan for my life. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other a day a time. Hard to believe it's four years now. Wow.

What in the world is going on?

It's been a difficult week or so. I have three friends who have had relatives die. An OA friend's husband died on Christmas morning, a friend from work had her brother die suddenly from cancer after that (he was further along than they thought) and I found out today that a friend's fiance committed suicide in a very graphic way on New Years. I'm left here dumbfounded, like someone sucker-punched me. That is a lot to take in in about a week's time. I am so grateful that it was not me or a member of my family, but I also am lost as to how I can be supportive for those in my life that are suffering so much. I am lifting them up in prayer and that, coupled with just being there to support them, is the best I can do for right now.

These are times when I wonder about that saying that God never gives you more than you can handle. Seems like it's right on the edge for these three families. It has made me think more about living in the day, not waiting for the day when I am thinner or more financially secure or whatever. Like that conversation I have in my head that I want to start dating again but I want to wait until I've lost at least 50 more pounds or so. Then what? Is magic going to happen on that day or something? Pretty ridiculous when put into that context. Or I think about my father ... he's 60 now and you just never know how much longer you have with your loved ones. It would break my heart to lose him, yet someday that is going to happen. What can I do now to honor the time we have, right here, right now? I'm making an effort to call him more, which is something I don't do near enough. And maybe visiting more. I only see him once a year, if that. I have a lot of vacation and I have a car. I can hop in it and be at their house within a day or maybe two. But isn't it worth it, no matter if it is two?

I guess when you are faced with death, either your own or someone else's, it certainly makes you think more about how precious our time is. What a gift we have in today.

Message becomes stronger over time, not weaker

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. - Philippians 4:6

That was a meditation message I received today. So right on for me. Last night, I was up reading the Doctor's Opinion from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the text we use in Overeaters Anonymous. I don't care how many years I've been in the rooms or how many times I have read the words or even if I have them memorized, the message has not weakened over time. If anything, it is stronger. Louder. Screaming.

This morning, while the cats were macking on their breakfast in the other room and I had some quiet time to myself, I prayed. A prayer of love, of thankfulness. A prayer asking for help. Just to get me through the day abstinently, to remember my blessings, to help me say thank you and a prayer to help me ask for help from Him. The Doctor's Opinion helped remind me that I have a spiritual malady.

When I reread the words, I thought to myself, "Me, how do I have a spiritual malady? I am a very spiritual, religiously faithful person." But the truth is, I do have a spiritual malady. I am not a perfect person. I know, I know ... you're shock and dismayed by that bit of news. I have to ask God for help everyday and invite Him into my life. That means relying on Jesus, letting Him love me know matter what. Even when there are times I find it impossible to love myself. That means stepping outside of this huge box I have put myself in to protect me from ... who knows from what. Hurt, joy, sadness, elation.

I stopped doing New Year's resolutions a long time ago because I didn't want to set myself up for failure. However, the new year does provide me the opportunity to reflect on my life and to look at what change I can implement for the good. What is on my heart this year is to do things that help me step outside of that box. Daring myself to be bold. Stretching beyond my comfort. To love myself more and honor the beautiful woman that I am, inside and out.