Time spent thinking about my body

Have you ever figured out how much time you spend thinking about your body? I'm being serious ... time spent thinking about how heavy you are, light you are, how fat you feel, wondering about what other people are thinking about you, how many hours of exercise will be needed to work off bad food choices, how sore your feet are from the weight of your body, comparing your body to someone you view as ideal, how you look in an outfit, how you fit in a car, how you fit in a chair, what size you wear, what you're eating to contribute to that weight, how much money you spend on weight loss products or gym memberships, etc. It can go on and on. Recently, my sponsor gave me an assignment to describe my "perfect" weight. In my response, I talked about how I never dream up a specific number because I have always been overweight, without those thin years. Instead, my perfect weight is where I feel healthy, where I blend into a crowd and, most importantly, where I don't spend every moment thinking about weight. Here's a case in point:


Every year, I participate in the graduation ceremonies at the high school where I work. Every year, building up to that day, my mind is almost obsessed with the chair I will be sitting in (wondering if it will break under the weight of me) or if the gown is going to fit. This picture is exactly what the seats look like. All I could think about last night was, please God, please don't let me break the seat down on the field during graduation. If it happens, it will be super embarassing as hundreds and hundreds of eyes will be watching (talk about selfish and self-centered). It was so bad last night that I finally had to put it in my God box. That felt better. Then I got up and was trying to pick out my outfit, fixated on what would look best and be most comfortable. Then, as we were gathered in the staff lounge getting last minute instructions, I kept having to pray to let this be about the kids and their wonderful day and not me in that chair. I saw the guy who would be sitting next to me and wondered if he would be uncomfortable and regretting it. Finally, after the procession in, we sat down. Meanwhile, I'm praying in my head for me to let this worry go and let it be celebration for the kids. It's their day, not mine.

I can say I was finally able to let all the obsessiveness about my body and how it looks go and enjoy this special day. Many, many kids came up to me after receiving their diplomas, while going through the receiving line, to hug me with pure joy. I got the opportunity to wish them well and tell them how proud I am of them. Were I still in my head about my body image, I would have been too selfish to be present for them. Today, I felt like a proud mom, not like a compulsive overeater. That was such a gift from God. I got that reprieve and I'm so grateful for that.

The time spent worrying about my body or issues related to it is countless. I know I am not alone in this. I continue needing to work on this, but I am so grateful that I can counter it with positives. I did go a lot into my head about weight issues, but I was able to say, "Okay, so you're not comfortable today with the seating, with the robe, with standing on your feet during most of the graduation ... but, you are in a program of recovery today. Because of that, this will not always be the case. So, instead, just for today, let's enjoy this special day of celebration. Remember, this is not about you." It takes continous work and a lot of effort. I pray I continue suiting up, showing up and working on it every day.