Return of the Prodigal (me)

I was commenting to my friend during dinner last night after church that I believe our pastor has a goal to make us cry every week. Okay, maybe he doesn't, but it sure feels like that because I always find a tear or two filling my eye or dropping down onto my cheek ... I am so moved by the Word of God coming into my heart. The discussion was from Luke 15:11-32 on the prodigal son and how God cares so much for him, the one who went astray and was too ashamed to come home after everything he had done, yet was met with excitement and love upon his return. And how are we to deal with him? Without anger, hard heartedness, self-righteousness, comparison and judgment.

It got me to think about how I have been/am the prodigal son. I spent years compulsively overeating, which was my way of checking out and abandoning God's love. Then I topped it off with sexual promiscuity. I justified it in my mind as okay because, after all, I had been physically abused for years and raped. (When does using that as a justification end, though? Now!) I felt like I couldn't be any further away from God and the people who loved me. I was so far out there that even though I wanted to come back home, I was too ashamed and broken to turn back. So I lived this life of danger ... got diabetes, went up to an unimaginable weight and had so many sexual partners that it's hard to even type the number. Yet, something convicted me to turn around and go back home, to the warm and welcoming arms of Him. There I found hope and an unending love beyond measure.

So, now, I find myself working on not treating myself with anger, hard heartedness, self-righteousness, comparison and judgment. God has forgiven me, other people have forgiven me but I continue to work on forgiving myself. We are the hardest on ourselves and I am certainly no exception. It takes an act of love every day for me to treat myself better and not to be so critical. The way I have treated myself is a real shame and in utter protest to God's unending love. I am one of His beautiful children and need to remember He is always with me. Sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to remember.