OMG, where did that come from?

I'm not having the best of days today, just feeling a little overwhelmed with some emotions. I went to an OA meeting and could feel myself on the verge of crying but I didn't know where the feelings were coming from. When I raised my hand to share, I figured out what it was. This afternoon, following that meeting, a sponsorship fair at the OA headquarters here in San Diego was scheduled, the first one that has ever been done in that type of setting. If someone is looking for a sponsor, they could go there and go to the various tables to talk to people. So, I realized as I started to share that I just had not quite yet tapped into everything I was feeling about what my former sponsor did to me. Today, during my share, it all came out in the form of tears and ugly crying. You know know what I mean by ugly crying, don't you? The kind where you can't catch your breath and the tears won't stop coming? I finally tapped into the hurt I was feeling down deep. During my share, I committed to the group that I would stay for the sponsorship fair, which was due to start about a half hour after our meeting ended.

I had decided after the meeting was over, however, to go get some lunch. I was hungry, it was past lunch time and they were still setting up for the fair. There was a healthy place to get some food just a couple of blocks away. As I was getting out of my car to go in, I convinced myself that I just wasn't going to go back, that I might try and find a sponsor another day. (Quite opposite of what I had shared in the meeting, about needing a new person to work with because you just can't be in a 12-step recovery program and do it by yourself. Otherwise, you'd be considered a dry drunk or, in a compuslive overeater's language, just on another diet.)

Anyway, as I go in there, I see someone from OA that was going to go to the sponsorship fair herself. I am convinced that was God doing for me what I can't do for myself. That person was there to get me to go back to the sponsorship fair after lunch, I was absolutely convinced of it and still am. We sat together and had a healthy, abstinent meal. Afterwards, I got back in my car and, yes, I did return to attend the fair. It was a little overwhelming emotionally because I cried with practically every person I spoke to, whether it was people who were potential sponsors or friends. I'm not usually this weepy, I'm really not, but today I am just feeling things so very deeply. One of my friends asked me if I would like to talk as she hugged me and even that made me cry. We went outside and I just let out all of my hurt. I think I am just finally admitting how much my previous sponsor really hurt me after working together so closely for 6 years. It felt like a sucker punch to my soul. I've had people hurt me in my life and to have someone do it who was so close to me, well it was just brutal to my heart I think.

I did go around and talked to quite a few people. What I realized is that I need to wholeheartedly forgive my sponsor, to give that hurt to God, and to cherish where I am right now. Right now, I feel blessed with the opportunity of continuing to grow and heal. I took the names and numbers of three people who I think would be a really great fit for me. There is one person in particular who I think I am going to contact. I just felt a kinship with her and admire her program. She just radiated God's love and she didn't even know me at all. No matter what, though, I am not letting what happened with my previous sponsor break me or my recovery process. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for, that's for sure. When I look at everything I have been through ... savage child abuse, rape, diabetes ... I realize I am a very strong person after all, who trusts in God and His blessings.