I forgive them, I forgive them, I forgive them ....

Have you ever had a book just shake your core? I mean in a way that just really knocked you off your foundation? That's what happened to me when I finished reading The Shack. If you haven't read it, you MUST. Without giving away too much of the book's plot, it is the story of something so terribly tragic happening to a family, leading to healing through the immense love of God. The book especially speaks to the person who already loves God, but has had questions along the way of "Why?"

I picked up the book quite some time ago and started to read it. Then, with the excuse of life getting in the way, I put it down. The truth is, though, that I think I identified too much. Not exactly with the tragedy described in the book, but in my own tragedies - abuse as a child and rape. Then, last weekend at an OA meeting, I was catching up with someone who I hadn't seen for quite some time. We got to talking and she mentioned The Shack to me. I told her I had started reading it and didn't finish. She told me I had to. As I read, I laughed, I visualized and I cried. Not only did I cry, I wept, like a child.

The tears were about finally realizing that I had not forgiven my mother who had abused me for years as a child. I had not forgiven a man who raped me when I was just 13 years old. And, most importantly, I had not forgiven myself. I have done a lot of work in program to wade through my feelings and try to find forgiveness. I was on the road, but I just could never get there completely. There was still some part of me, deep down inside, that really hated these two people for what they had done to me. They took such a special part of me and just trampled on it. They took my trust, chewed it up and spit it out. They broke me into little pieces that I am still trying to put together. And, in a place that I guess I don't talk about very much, I want them to hurt as much as they have hurt me. I want them to be emotionally tortured, as I have been. I want them to know the pain of feeling alone, of not trusting other people, of not letting other people into my soul, of pushing people away, of feeling ugly and unworthy, of feeling self-conscious, of feeling like I was not good enough to be loved, not even by God.

Now, as I write this, I do find that I am feeling emotionally spent having gone through this book that somehow touched my core, let the tears come until they stopped and finally give me the willingness to find forgiveness. As it described, it's like taking your fingers that were wrapped around someone's neck and releasing them, one at a time. It doesn't mean forgetting, but forgiving. It's not about their healing, but it's about mine. I can give them over to God. They are His children, too, no matter what they have done in their lives to me, or other people. Their outcome is not up to me. What is up to me is to forgive - not only them, but myself. I have been so hard on myself lately about weight, about questioning how strong my program of recovery really is and a myriad of other things. Just as He wants me to seek forgiveness for them, I know He also wants those things for me, too. Truly, it's a long time coming.

Was it a coincidence that I met up with that OA member last weekend? Was it a coincidence that I had the book in my home? No, I don't believe so. I believe God uses sitautions for His glory. Here I am, with willingness in my heart to go to deep, dark places because I trust and I have faith today. I forgive them and I forgive myself. Read The Shack. I promise you that you won't be disappointed.