Being less critical of me

I went today and bought a couple of new tops since the weather is calling for less sweaters and more skin, at least down here in San Diego. You know, I don't know that I have ever really *loved* shopping for clothes. Even when I was at my lowest weight, it wasn't fun for me. You would think it would be ... smaller body, smaller clothes, cuter styles. Instead, it became this battle of accepting who I saw staring back at me in the mirror was not the distorted me but the real me. When you've been a large person for your whole life, you only see yourself as this one way. For those of you that follow the Biggest Loser, I sooo identified with Kristin when she was talking about being afraid to deserve it and questioning whether she was worthy or not.

So, anyway, I had to really face the fact that I have gained a lot of my weight back, even while I being abstinent. It is possible to do. I never broke my bottom line abstinence, but I certainly managed to work my way around it and gain a crazy amount of weight back. People in the rooms are very easy to judge and say that a person such as me can't possibly be abstinent. I don't know what's going on on their side of the street. For me, I am being honest. That doesn't mean I shouldn't evaluate things, but it's my truth in this moment. The tags on my clothes have higher numbers. Not my highest, certainly not that, but one that doesn't make me happy in the slightest. I started to feel bad about myself. Thankfully, though, I caught myself right in the middle of the doom and gloom and said, "Hey, you there, stop this. Right now. Stop this right now, damn it." I can't go back in time and undo what has been done. What done is done. What I do have, though, is right here, right now. I have these 24 hours and I really commit that I will be loving and kind to the girl in the mirror. As a precious child of God, she deserves all of the love He has to offer. In fact, I can praise God for this challenge of my faith because I know it will help me grow so much stronger. Maybe the tag in my shirt doesn't say what I want it to say, but I can put one foot in front of the other and do the right thing for my recovery today.