Aging ... who, me?

This coming week is my birthday. 37. To me, that seems like a large number but I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder. My father turned 60 yesterday and while I jokingly called him an old man, he told me 37 is looking pretty good right about now. I would really like to try visiting him more often. We don't live in the same state and that makes it harder for visits. Yet, I realize that despite my objections, he won't be around forever. I don't know if I will see him in eternity. I'm going to visit for Christmas, so I really would like to talk to him about where he stands with Jesus. It would break my heart to know that this is all we get.

So, I have spent the last couple of days hitting the stores to work on my Christmas shopping. I also have been buying a few things for myself. I really have noticed how OA has given me a stronger voice, which I am grateful for. I was totally irritated when I was shopping at Lane Bryant and I let them know it. I was looking at some jeans and the sizes were labeled 1-10. I looked at the tag, sort of scratched my head and wondered what was going on. Were they now selling smaller clothes or something? I have a resentment about shopping at Lane Bryant, the Avenue and other stores like it but this is where I am for the time being. I flagged a sales person down and asked her what was going on with the sizing. "Oh, it's a new thing we're trying! But if you just let me measure your waist, I can tell you what size to select." I was irritated. I wondered, are all the clothes now going to be labeled like this there? It's bad enough that we need bigger sizes, but do you have to humiliate us further by pretending we're something that we're not? It's like there's shame there or something. I told her how I felt and she sort of looked at me like I was a leper. I accept that I am where I am right now, but I also know that won't be forever. In the meantime, please treat me with respect and I just didn't feel that was at all respectful. So, I grabbed a pair of the 7's and traipsed into the dressing room. Ugh.

I'm feeling sort of frustrated (if you couldn't already tell!) about where I am right now. I mean, I accept it but I don't have to like it. I was so incredibly thankful to go to church last night. It grounded me and helped me to remember to always trust the Lord. He has such a wonderful, beautiful plan for me. I must work on trust. I think that's a big part of my struggle. I trust Him in so many ways, but I'm so fearful of letting go completely when it comes to me and my life. What happens if I do step outside of the box of comfort? My latest that I'm trying to deal with is the whole dating thing. The compulsive overeater in me says I have to be a much smaller size to be dating. After all, what healthy man would want a woman who is not smaller? I think perhaps something is wrong with him. Then I think back: my ex loved me deeply, looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman who ever walked this earth. I was bigger when I was with him. I had no problems finding men who wanted to be intimate with me. The difference is, now, I don't want the same thing. I'm not out looking to score a bed partner. I desire the physical very strongly but I know God wants for me a man who is a fellow Christian, who will treat me with love and respect. Let's face it, finding a rotating round of bed partners was never God's plan for my life. I'm not even sure it was my plan for my life. So, I get to keep working and growing. Trust in the Lord, Sunny. You must, you must, you must.

Feeling super hungry and in physical pain

I committed my food to my sponsor last night and followed my food plan today. But, I was ravenous. I realized, when I was looking at what I planned that I severely underplanned. I don't know if it was because I knew my sponsor was looking at my food, if it was because I was being held accountable or what the heck was going on. I was also not planning near enough starches into my day. My doctor wants me having 6-10 servings of a starch since I have diabetes.

I worked out today, I think a little bit too strenously. I have a groin injury and it's pretty painful. I am doing exercises to stretch it out to heal better, but I didn't know that my cardio portion of the workout was making it actually worse. Ugh! I tell you, if it's not one thing, it's another. I have put my body through the wringer in my life, so I know I need to be kind and gentle. I can't erase a lifetime of abuse in one day or one year for that matter.

No matter what, I really am grateful to be on this journey. I realize that my willingness is to the level as described in the Big Book: as willing as only the dying can be. I'm anxious to work through the step questions again and to do another inventory. I know, sounds like a crazy woman, right?? I mean, who in the world wants to do another inventory? Well, the truth is, those that are desperate to recover are anxious to do anything. If my sponsor told me she wants me to journal an hour each night, call ten people, read a chapter in the Big Book or whatever else, I would do it. The truth is that none of us ever graduate from program. If we believe that, we're in relapse. Here's to another layer of that bigger-than-life onion.

Things I'm grateful for today

I'm committing to stay in gratitude today. I'd love to read what others are grateful for. Here's my list:

• Knowing God.
• Having a wonderful relationship with my father.
• Friends who have been with me through thick and thin - literally!
• Privilege of living in a place where I can drive to the beach, the mountains and the desert within a day.
• Having a job that gives me so much satisfaction and where I am making a difference in the lives of young adults.
• Having two furry angels who brighten my world just by being.
• I live in a nice place in a beautiful community.
• I have a week of vacation over this Thanksgiving holiday.
• Although I have diabetes, it is in control today.
• The ability to exercise my body.
• Enjoying the peace and quiet of the morning.
• Living through childhood abuse and rape.
• The fact that I am no longer doing destructive things with men.
• The freedom to worship my Lord today without persecution.
• The ability to get to get in my bathtub and enjoy a hot bath.
• I am doing well in my Math class - huge given I do not like Math ;-)
• I am in college pursuing a dream, even while working full-time.
• There is peace in my life for today, right in this moment.

That wasn't too hard. I bet I can come up with more, but these are the first things that came to mind. Your turn!

Do I REALLY have to be honest in all my affairs?

During my regular talk with my sponsor last night, she gave me an assignment to review my 4th step to see if I did any writing regarding the Thanksgiving/Christmas episode about my ex and I that I struggle with every year. It turns out I did not. However, in reading my inventory for this information, I got to see a lot about myself.

I was able to see just have far I have come in recovery. I saw how many things that felt like hurdles are no longer issues in my life. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. You see a but coming, don't you? Big but! I got to see some issues I'm hanging on to, especially when it comes to my ex. As I was reading about that particular issue, I started reading other parts of my inventory. To my horror, I realized that since I wrote that inventory, I have regained practically all the weight I have lost while being abstinent. I've lost 130ish pounds and almost all of it is back on my body. And this was done while being technically abstinent.

Needless to say, I was horrified and upset. How is it possible to still be abstinent and gain so much weight back? It didn't happen overnight, just kept creeping on over time. Then I realized that there were many times where I was sloppy with my food, or my portions were way to big. I didn't want to get on a scale, didn't want to go see my doctor for regular diabetic check-ups. I was playing with my abstinence and not even really realizing it. I was not picking up all my tools. While I was getting upset with meetings where all people were talking about was the physical, I was not dealing with it. There are 3 legs to an OA stool - physical, emotional and spiritual. My body has been getting bigger and I didn't want to open my eyes and admit it.

So I called my sponsor in tears. I told her everything and I begged her for her help. We talked about my abstinence and she reminded me that people gain weight while being abstinent all the time. Our disease is cunning, baffling, and oh so powerful. Amen to that! So, while a voice inside of me was screaming that I should be giving up my abstinence time, it was decided that I do not lose all of that because I am imperfect. I did not break my bottom line abstinence, no matter how sloppy the rest of it was. Earth to Sunny: You are NOT perfect! I asked her if I could go through the steps with her again and if I could commit my food to her every day, as well as report my blood sugar numbers. These are things I want to do, and things I need to do.

So I will be e-mailing her my food commitment for the next day. I have committed to measuring my starches, but I think I will weigh and measure everything for right now. It is what worked best for me in the past and I don't really trust my eyes around food right now. If I make changes, I will e-mail the changes. And I will report my blood sugar numbers to her. As I work through the step questions, it will only be about where I am right now, today. I don't need to rehash things that are not issues today. I hate this cycle, and I do want to get off of it.

Why am I spilling my guts here? Because I must or I will die. That is the plain truth of the matter. I'm not at my top weight today, but believe me, it is just around the corner if I continue to play with boundaries. Reading my inventory really helped me see the path of destruction that is emminent. I didn't even read the whole thing, but I did read enough. I take full responsibility and ownership of the actions I have taken to get me to where I am right now.

And a special note to my friend, J, who I know is a regular reader here. I realized, as I re-reading my inventory, how much I hurt you during my time with Ex by lying about the relationship. I just didn't want to take you down with me. I know I have already made ammends to you, but I love you for being my friend no matter what.

I pray that people who have been following my progress and see my honesty take it upon themselves to determine whether their own houses are in order. There is much work left to do, that's for sure. It will take a lifetime of one day at a time to live in recovery. I am okay with that. The promises do come true, even when we're not perfect. Who would have thunk that I would willingly want to work through these steps again? I don't know, but I'm willing to do whatever I have to do today to live a healthy life - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Are you??

A better day

I'm so glad that I posted last night. Even though it wasn't pleasant and it got me in touch with those yucky emotions, the point is that I am feeling and walking through them today. That's better than being face-first in a gallon of ice cream. This morning I got up and did a 3-mile Walking Away the Pounds dvd. If you've never tried that one, give it a try. It's harder than it sounds and you end up power walking with a lot of arm and body work before you're done. I'm taking care of my body today and that is the most important part of all of this. My health is important and I do cherish this body that gives me so much every day. I may not always care for the way it looks or what compulsive overeating has done to it, but it is my body and I appreciate God's gift of it. Last night I was watching that football movie Brian's Song. If you've never watched it, tear jerker. I think it even makes grown men cry. It got to me - cancer and other forms of severe illness are killers. I have diabetes, a disease that WILL kill me if it is unchecked. Another reminder to count my blessings and to be present here and now. We just don't know where life is going to take us. Today, I have a body that I can appreciate. For example, I always say I hate my legs but everybody says I've got fantastic legs that are very strong and powerful. And when I choose to wear a skirt, people do check out my legs - men and women. That ain't so bad. In fact, I can relish them today! For this entire week, I'm on vacation and I can appreciate that for all it's worth. I'm going to get out there and enjoy my day. I plan to be present and, of course, abstinent through it all.

Memories I would prefer not to remember

This week is Thanksgiving and I always try to remember the many blessings in my life. I usually don't have a problem coming up with a list. I have an incredible amount of things to have gratitude for today. However, I have a pretty good memory and Thanksgiving evokes a time that was not so pleasant in my life. I need to write about it here, but just know that this is not going to show a very pretty side of me. It's not who I am any longer, but it is absolutely where the disease and evil has taken me. I don't think anyone that knows me, whether in real life or online, know my story of the evil side of the affair I had, but if you continue reading on, you will. Just fair warning.

I had a friend I met in OA who was married. I met her when I first came to program, years ago. She and I became very close. I would often go over to her house to hang out with her. Her husband was there, too. I remember thinking he was pretty hot, but nothing more than that. In fact, at that time, my thoughts never went there. Just thought he was cute, end of story. The more I knew her, the closer we became. She had a child, and I was able to share in that joy with her. Then they moved away. I never realized how close I really was to her until she was gone. I missed her terribly. But, we stayed in touched - called, IM'd on the computer, etc. I even made plans to come out and visit for a couple of weeks that year during Thanksgiving.

Over time, I would chat with her husband, too. It was totally innocent, no ulterior motive on my part at all. She worked nights, he worked during the day. Long story short ... I grew closer to her husband and more distant from her. My relationship with her was changing. A lot of the things that bonded us before were gone. Things shifted and I would end up having most of my conversations with her husband online, IM'ing. I'm sure you can guess where this is going.

I always told myself that I would never go out with a married man, being the other woman. That was what my mother did. No thank you. It just wasn't the right thing to do. However, by the time I went out to visit, which was a mistake beyond all comprehension, we already had feelings for each other. That Thanksgiving, I did horrible things in her home. While she went to work, her husband and I had sex there. We even did it in their marital bed. Repeatedly, over the two week period. She would ask me what we did when she was working, so I found myself, looking her in the eye and telling her lie upon lie upon lie. We had sex so much in that house that I don't know how we weren't caught in the act. Perhaps God had mercy on her and shielded her from our selfishness. I went through many emotions with this. I felt horrible about myself, some friend I turned out to be. With each lie, I sunk deeper and deeper. I could not tell anyone in my life the truth. Many people knew this man and his wife. If I said it out loud, it somehow made it more true. I don't think I was suicidal, but pretty darn near close. I just hated myself over what I was doing. The other side of this was that I felt safe with this man after having been raped. He never looked at me with eyes of disdain as other men had over the years. He made me feel good and beautiful. However, the guilt I carried with me was enormous. We were almost discovered during a Thanksgiving Day episode that visit. That's what is evoking all of these memories.

Then later, near Christmas, the truth was discovered. She swiftly ended her friendship with me, which I absolutely deserved. I tried to cut off ties with him, which lasted for a while. But not for long. This sordid thing we had lasted for 5 years. When he had business trips, I would join him. There were phone calls, e-mails, IM's. There was deep love for one another, and I felt like absolute shit about myself. It was so hard to pull away from this man who was absolutely toxic for my life.

I did end the relationship nearly four years ago and we no longer talk. I have asked God for His forgiveness and have fully repented. I knew in the moment that I was forgiven, even though I didn't deserve it, I felt. But every Thanksgiving and Christmas, I think about what I have done. Along the way, there were many men I slept with to try to take away the pain of what I did before I broke up with him officially. He was a married man and had no ties to me, so I felt absolutely justified with them. There was nothing he could say or do. These other men made me feel very good, but it could only erase things for the moments when I was with them. When the sex stopped, the thoughts came back. So, if you are jumping to the next conclusion, you have correctly assumed I was often being intimate to try to erase the memories. It's sort of like eating food after I screwed up - the more I ate, the more I had to eat.

As a result of the absolute bottom I hit in January 2005 and became reborn and abstinent again, my life is completely different and turned around. I want to be with someone, I desire it so strongly, more than I could ever say. But I can't do what I did before. It's so easy to find people to have sex with, trust me on that one. If I wanted to, I know I could find one within an hour. I never had a problem attracting men online. That's just not what I want to do today. But, given all that, every Thanksgiving and Christmas is still very difficult for me. This Thanksgiving, I don't have any plans but I will be with my family out in the snow during Christmas. It is very difficult for me to enjoy myself because of the painful memories of what I have done. Yes, he also made his choices, but I am not an innocent in any of this. I wish I could let go of these memories that seem to haunt me. Yet, I know there is a price to pay for sin. I don't know if these thoughts will always be with me. I really hope not. I know God has already forgiven me - that's what He does if we repent completely. Still, I have not forgiven myself. Obviously I have not - otherwise I would not replay all the events of that Thanksgiving and Christmas in my mind every year. I just feel horrible for what I did and I wish I could somehow do something more to ease the pressure on my heart.

Man, do I like to avoid or what!

I have the third in the series of 4 midterms tomorrow. I have been hitting math for several hours tonight and while I got some good studying in, I definitely am a flighty little girl. I always tend to find other things to do rather than the thing I really need to do. Here's what I did tonight to avoid studying at different spurts: washed my face, french braided my hair, checked e-mail, did the dishes and even posting this blog has been a way of avoiding. Alas, the midterm is still tomorrow. I just get easily distracted, what can I say! But, I'm feeling prepared and so glad I only have about a month left now of this class.

I have been doing better with my blood sugar levels. I have gone back to measuring at least my starches. I never knew what kind of "freedom" came with weighing and measuring. For some people it's very restrictive but I have found that, for me, it gives me parameters around my food that make it very safe. I don't have to mess around with amounts. It just is what it is and that's the end of it. A serving portion is very clear and I like that. Sometimes life gets so hectic that I really do appreciate having some simple things. I so still hate testing my blood sugar. That hasn't gotten better in the years I've been diagnosed with diabetes. The needle just isn't my friend. I don't know how on earth people get tattoos like they do because the feeling of that needle going into my skin a thousand times just to color my skin for me is totally undesirable. I have a hard enough time pricking my finger twice a day.

Drop them and give me 20 ... or just drop them

I had a doctor's appointment this week, my regular diabetic check up. It's actually been 6 months since I've been in which is a no no for diabetics - I'm supposed to see her every 3 months. I had fear ... I was sure this was the time she was going to put me on insulin and I was trying everything I could to get my numbers where they were supposed to be to prevent that from happening. There are times when I just plain forget that it's a disease and that, no matter how good I might be doing on the food I eat and the exercise I get, my numbers might still be high. I was taking this as a personal failure. During the day, the numbers would be great but would raise overnight. For example, the night I had to fast to get my blood drawn, I went to bed with a reading of 104. Right where it should be. I woke up in the morning and it was 174. So, I took some meds to lower it. Went up to 184. So, when I went in to test, it was elevated and I hadn't eaten a stitch of food since 4:30 the previous afternoon. That's my battle every day - good day numbers, significant elevation at night.

So anyway, I go into my doctor's office, expecting the worse and trying so hard to give it over to God. Besides, insulin is not a death sentence. I guess it's just the fear of the needle. I test my blood sugar with a needle, but I don't see it coming because it's protected behind a lancet pen. With injections, not only would I see the needle coming but I'd also have to pump fluid into my body just to live normally. So much fear behind that. My doctor wants to change my combination of meds and see if that works. I'm committing to going in when I am supposed to. In fact, I'm committing to posting my average daily numbers on here again like I used to. It kept me more accountable.

While I was act the doctor's office, I had asked her about two other things while I was in there. One is this significant pain I have been feeling in my groin area when I swim and stretch my body in certain positions. It actually has scared me. During the summer, I was at the beach and dove under some waves. That's when I first noticed the pain to the extent that it was. I had felt it before when I would swim under water, but I just thought it was a bad muscle pull. But what happened is that I quickly surfaced and tried to stand but my legs gave out and I couldn't. The danger with that was that I was in deep water and I knew I was soon going to be in deep trouble if I couldn't stand up and I couldn't swim. So my doctor wanted to get a better look so she told me to drop my pants. She took at a look and then told me to drop my underwear, too. Geez. Then came the humiliating part ... she told me to lift my stomach. Those of you who have or have had a tummy overhang know what I mean. I had to hold my stomach up so that she could look under there checking to see if maybe I had a hernia. I was so mortified. She never indicated disgust or anything like that on her face. In fact, she couldn't have been nicer. But I just wanted to sneak out of there and run away. No one on this earth could have made a derogatory comment to me worse than what I was telling myself in my head at the moment.

I'm better about this all today, but it was just further reasons why I need to continue taking better care of myself and the body God has given me. I don't want to feel like that again. The way I beat myself up was horrible and I would never allow someone else to treat themselves that way if I could help it. I'm just so tired of this. I want so badly to be in a different place. I've come so far, I really have, but I also have such a long way to go and it's an incredibly difficult journey. But, I am doing it.