Just say no to the chocolate

With tomorrow being Halloween, I'm so glad to be in a program of recovery. No longer do I need to buy bags of candy and pretend it's for all those trick or treaters. Ugh ... the lies I told to the world and myself. I remember we'd always get comments from the kids at the door that ours was the house on the block with the best candy. Well, yeah - we want the good stuff so we always bought the good stuff. Wouldn't hand much out to the kids. Now, that's over and done with for today. I'm grateful for that. My usual ritual on Halloween is to not even be home in the evening. There's plenty of other doors the kids to knock on but I find that if I take myself out of the danger equation, no problem. Tomorrow I will be going to an OA meeting and doing service there. They have a dance afterwards that I don't think I will be staying for but one thing is for sure - I am taking care of myself. I must come first because my recovery demands it and so do I.

Hard work is paying off

Apparently, my hate turned tolerance relationship with math is turning the tides. I got the results of my second midterm tonight and I got another B. I have always hated math and have failed this class before, so this is huge. I missed an A by two points, couldn' t believe it because this test was an absolute killer. I am really seeing that having a positive attitude is paying dividends. Before I would say, I can't, I can't, I can't. And now I'm trying my absoloute best and not giving up. This is a big deal, trust me on that one. Some other good news ... my pants fell down today ;-) Yes, that actually is good news. It's showing that something is working for today in my OA program. That makes me feel especially blessed.

What the frig was I doing???

I've been MIA for the week, but I'm doing well. I have another mid-term today and wanted to be as prepared as possible for the thing. I think my professor is trying to kill us through quadratic equations ;-) But I'm feeling very good and prepared so bring it on man.

I am so glad I have this blog to practice the tool of writing. I realize how raw and real I can be, and I like that. Things have been going better since really, truly opening the door to the past. The sadness I had been feeling is lessened now. Not gone completely, but certainly a lot less. I have been doing some inner child exercises with my sponsor and that has been a wonderful, completely liberating experience. I realized that my little girl inside is quite ornery, bouncy and fun. Interesting what happens when you leave something dormant for so long. Yesterday, for example, I found myself flirting with someone that came to the high school to do business with me. He is from a local college. My little girl took over for sure because this man was much younger than me. Now, I'm not an old lady by any means - I'm 36. But this guy had to have been in his mid to late twenties. The kicker was that he was flirting back. After he left, the adult in me said, "What was that about? Do you realize how much older you are than him?" The little girl in me, however, said, "So what! Did you see how hot he was??" Ha ha. And, ladies, this man was absolutely sizzling!! Makes me laugh just thinking about it and I think I was actually blushing. I felt so pretty and high as kite.

That felt fun! So much of my life is so serious, as it should be. There's another part of my life that has been neglected for far too long. I'm getting to see, more and more, how very important it is for me to walk through the doors that program lays before me. It's all for a reason, I totally get that. It's not to hurt, but to heal. Thinking back to my entire time in program, there has been tremendous, life-changing healing. It is not about the food any longer, not that it ever really was. Don't get me wrong - I'm a compulsive overeater. But, compulsive overeating is not about the food. While many people might like the taste of food, my relationship with it is not normal and healthy. I'm learning to live, one day at a time, with it just being what it is and not my friend, lover, confident, soul-mate, etc. Easier said than done sometimes, but possible.

How is it that resentment can hurt me so greatly?

According to A.A. text, "resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics [compulsive overeaters] than anything else." This weekend, I was slapped in the face with the reality that two people who I had thought I had forgiven long ago were still on my resentment list. I discovered that while talking with my good friend D last night. It was a huge, gigantor AHA moment for me.

Then, I went to the writing meeting this morning. We meditate for 10 minutes and then four questions are suggested for writing, which we do for 15 minutes. One of the questions was, "How do I get over resentments with people even though I know I'm right?" Here's what I wrote:

"I realized this weekend that I'm absolutely right in the middle of that right now. There are two people who hurt me so terribly that I thought I'd never live through the pain to see the other side - the person who raped me at 13 and my mother, who viciously abused me as a child. I've done a lot of work in program around these two issues, but it appears that the onion still has a multitude of layers. While I thought I had truly forgiven them and moved on, I really hadn't done that in my heart. Intellectually, I know it takes a person who is very will to beat a child like that or to take something so precious away. But deep in my soul is a hurt so significant that it is almost unbearable. Yet, I know I must forgive them. It will kill me otherwise. I can give them and their deeds over to God. I no longer need to carry that burden of sadness within me. Now is the time, for healing and love. I'm not sure how I go about doing that. Part of this process causes me even more suffering and pain. I'm not even in this spot of anger - just a sadness at my core that foels so strong. Will I ever find relief from it?"

Tears were slowly trickling down my face as I was doing this writing, sort of like a leak I just couldn't plug up. In fact, I didn't write on anything else. I just got up from my chair and went outside to catch my breath. The weather is starting to turn a little bit and I wanted to feel the morning crispness on my face. I did share when it was time, but I didn't read my writing. Instead, I paraphrased and I talked about my gratitude in having a place where I am safe to find healing and forgiveness. I related a story of a student who came in to my office to see me on Friday. She had these big tears in her eyes. I got up from my desk and gave her hug, which gave her the safety to cry in my arms. There I was, giving her something that I did not have from a woman in my life at her age. In that action, I was outside of myself and my world. I was consciously choosing to break that cycle, as I have done since I started coming to program and seeking recovery. Some days are overwhelming with the emotion I feel and I don't like going there. But I also recognize that I must. What happened to me was awful, horrible and I am lucky to be alive today. What I lived through is something I pray no child ever has to experience for herself or himself.

I did survive it, though. I am here to tell my story. I was abused. I was raped. And now it's over.

Opening doors, with bats flying at me

It's amazing what happens when we open doors in recovery - truth comes at us fast and furious. That's been my experience, anyway. I opened the door to emotions I wasn't willing to look at previously and, now that I am, I am feeling them so very deeply. This has probably been the most painful week of my life in terms of the emotions. Yet, there has also been tremendous, wonderful healing and I'm so grateful for that. There's a certain vulgarity to the intensity I am feeling, but the whole point is I am feeling. I am digging into the past right now, but I have to otherwise I will always be in this land of limbo and I'm tired of this land. I want to prosper and find out what is on the other side. I feel like Lewis and Clark, except that I am foraging this new path all alone, technically speaking. However, I never walk alone. God is always with me. And, if and when I forget that, I always have my 12-step support system that carries me when I seem to not be able to stand up due to the sheer pain. Thank you to everyone who is always there for me, as my friend, as my brother and sister in Christ, and my fellow seekers in recovery. The work I am doing with my OA sponsor right now is majorly intense, deep ... and just the swift kick in the pants I need.

Sometimes it feels so overwhelming

I went to a writing meeting this morning. We meditate for 10 minutes, write for 15 minutes and then share. It was a very powerful experience for me and really helped me to dig deeper. During the meditation, I was able to connect with God on a level I hadn't done in quite some time. I just asked that He speak to me in a way I could hear Him. By the time the beeper went off to stop the period of meditation, I had a tear falling down my face. I can't say exactly why because I certainly didn't "hear" the voice of God during that time. But, I did feel Him inside of me.

They give us four questions to write about, so we can write about those or whatever we need to. The words flowed out so fast and furious that my hand was a little achy trying to get it all out. I realized as I was sitting there that I am full of tremendous fear right now. I own that fully. I started to realize that when I was asked to read How It Works and I really focused on the phrase "honest in all our affairs". I have done a lot of work in program to try to move past the child abuse and rape. What I realized today, though, is that I have more layers to work through. It was enough in the beginning to say, hey group, I was abused as a child. And, hey group, I was raped when I was 13. I'd always get the same response of "I'm so sorry." And I will always say something in response like, "Thanks, it's okay."

Do you know what? It's not okay.

It's not okay to live through beatings so horrible that my body shows signs of it today. It's not okay for a little girl to try to be perfect so that her mother won't beat her. What kind of fucked up shit is that? It's not okay to walk around in the world and think that if I'm not the perfect lover, some man is going to rape me and just take what he wants if I don't give it to him.

Because I didn't deal with those things at the time, I now get to deal with them. I have huge issues with trust, abandonment, safety and fear. It's not like I can't live "normally" in the world. I've made tremendous strides. I mean, there was a time when I couldn't even own that those events were a part of my life. They belonged to someone else, some other life. But they do have an affect on my relationships with other people, with myself and with God. It was so hard to trust God enough to let Him inside my soul, if that makes any sense. It's very difficult, almost impossible, to let people in enough to trust them. When I've done that with men, I was trampled over. Do I trust again? Am I willing to trust again?

I'm not a child any more, but I have a lot of childhood issues I must deal with if I can be an adult. My sponsor and I are working on inner child stuff. At first, I didn't want to, thought I should just get over it and move on. But I can't just get over it. I have to work through it, not run around it. Otherwise, I will never be able to fully trust a man or I'll always question relationships or I won't feel safe in my own skin. Believe me, I wish I didn't have to work through this, but I have to if I want to let go of the weight, have a healthy and happy life. Sanity would be good, too. I can't describe to anyone that hasn't been through the sort of things I have been through what it is like to live with the memories that sometimes stay at bay and sometimes are so strong and right in the moment that it feels like I am reliving them. The sound of a belt buckle being loosened reminds me of the rape because he had a belt on that he ripped off during the attack. The sight of a hangar reminds me of an incident that involved a savage beating at the hands of my mother with a wire hangar with blood, the police and being removed from the home. Seeing a little girl in a pretty dress reminds me of all the dresses my mother made me wear to be the perfect little darling angel. The feeling of a man's body on top of mine reminds me of the pressure I felt being raped. I can go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Then I think about the conversation that goes in my head, talking badly to myself about me. I've been so down on myself about my appearance, about stretch marks on my body, just very noisy in a negative way towards myself. Sometimes I have to not roll my eyes internally when I hear of someone complaining about something that seems so trivial. I mean, are you kidding me??? So your hair wasn't perfect today or whatever. Then I think, no, if it's a concern for that person, who are you to minimize that? I guess it's just the things that I am walking through right now seem a little bit overwhelming to me.

I do trust God today and I know that He has these major plans for my life. I am sure that involves a healthy relationship with a man who will treat me well, in the way that I deserve to be treated. Those plans also include me pursuing my passion, honoring Him and walking through all of this. I shared all of this at that meeting this morning and I cried through my share. In fact, I almost didn't share, thinking I wanted to just listen to other people. But I was the last one to share and I broke down. I exposed myself to nakedly to those women and one man in the room. I didn't know them all, but that didn't matter. What I found there was compassion and kinship. We all know the pain of abuse in our lives, either by other people or abuse we put on ourselves.

As I said in my last post, I'm exhausted from the dance. I want more.

Those yucky raw emotions

Today was somewhat of a difficult day. I started it off by meeting with my sponsor this morning. Lately I've been feeling a lot of heavy duty emotions surrounding issues that I still need to work through. So we talked about my progress in recovery so far, and areas that I can focus on more. Abstinence and getting abstinent seems almost easy in comparison. No disrespect meant to those reading this that are trying to get and stay abstinent. Just meaning that there are different levels of recovery and I'm beyond that just getting abstinent part. Of course, my sponsor looking into my eyes, the talk of me and the things that sometimes I want so desperately to avoid and tears started falling down my face. She told me that it's my time - that if I don't continue getting healing and growing even more than I already have, then I will repeat the past. That means I will either pick up food again and/or have inappropriate relationships with men. The latter is what she was more concerned with and, frankly, me, too. She told me I deserve more than being someone's second-best. Inside, in my heart, I felt like asking, "Do I deserve better than that?" That's a part of my intellect and a part of my heart that feel like they are on totally separate pages. In my heart, do I really, really believe I deserve more? I think right now, no. We were sitting in front of Starbucks, sipping our iced teas in the sunshine and I watched people walking by. I'm so much wanting to be a part of life and often times I just don't feel like I am. I go through the motions, but I'm lonely. Even last night at a meeting, people who I was talking to were being invited to go out afterwards right in front of me and it was if I was not even there, totally felt like I was being ignored. Not that I would have gone out with those particular people, but it was hurtful that I was excluded. Yet, many times I just feel like that in my life. I feel like I really don't fit in, that never-ending feeling of not being a part of.

I decided to go to a meeting afterwards, which was right down the street. I was a little bit late but it was a "For Today" focus - we read today's For Today writing and share on it. I did share and cried through my share. I talked about being tired of the dance, the 1-2-3 cha-cha-cha. Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight. I've been abstinent, but I've been hovering around the same 30 pounds or so for quite some time. More than that, though, this is not about the weight at all. Weight is always a symptom of something greater. My place in program is about continuing to dig deeper, to the core of why food was picked up in the first place. I don't want to be the fat girl any more. I'm done. It served it's purpose and I'm over it. I want more in my life. I'm dealing with some very penetrating feelings of trust, abondment, love. Things I thought I had dealt with already in program deep enough, but obviously not if it's still with me to the point that it makes me cry thinking about it. For me, these were reasons of why I went running into the arms of a married man. He could tell me I was beautiful 100 times a day and I would never believe him. It's amazing how easily I would blow him off when he'd hold me in his arms and tell me how beautiful I was. To me, I could never fool my mirror into believing that, still can't. These are the reasons I went into the arms of many, many men who told me what I wanted/needed to hear, to give me self-esteem and confidence. It's amazing, though, how empty a room can be, how empty a soul can be, when the moment is over. It is no wonder why I had to seek man after man after man.

Then tonight I went to church. We had such a great message about taking a stand in an anything-goes world. That is so difficult to do, but also something I must be willing to do, even if that means I am standing all alone. Sometimes I feel that way - that I'm standing all alone for my beliefs. I did lose some friends when I became a Christian and some friendships are strained as a result. It did change who I was, for the better. Old behaviors just aren't okay any longer. Yet I know, if I have to stand alone with people but together with God, I will always choose God. And, I really believe in my heart that God is preparing me for something greater. I don't have to give in to the sins of the world where people think they can just live any old way they want and not have consequences. There are always consequences. Right now, for me, I need to be selfish and take care of myself. What that means right now is letting people walk in whatever direction they feel they need to without standing in their way. It means keeping my side of the street clean and trusting God's greater plan for me. I don't want to be the fat girl for the rest of my life. I'm tired of that. I want more and I'm quite certain God does, too.

So I'm kicking up my meeting attendance, spending more time reading the Bible and doing more step work. I have to take care of myself, no one else is going to. All the days I am not in school, I plan on having my little bootie in a seat at a meeting. I don't want to do the cha-cha-cha any longer.