Midterm results, fears

Okay, so I don't hate math as much today. I got 88% on my midterm .... woo hoo! I missed getting that "A" by one question. Can you believe it? Thank you God for giving me the willingness to study my little bum off. I remember, the night before, when one of my kitties sat next to me on the couch so I could rub behind her ear. I said to her, "Poo poo, do you know that the equation showing the distance from one point on a line to another is the square root of the quantity x2 minus x1 squared plus the quantity y2 minus y1 squared? Well, it's true!" She'd reply with a deep purr and a tail wag. Hey, whatever works for ya, right? Everyone around me was reacting to their bad grade and I sat there in awe that I almost got an A!

Tomorrow at work I will be teaching a workshop in the morning. It's amazing how program has really helped tackle some major fears in my life. One of them was public speaking. I couldn't do it, got all nervous and sweaty beforehand. Now I routinely speak to large groups of people. It might be a a group of 10 people or a group of 600 people. I just get out there, be myself and do my thing. Amazingly, I don't fall flat on my face at all. In fact, people comment to me that I am the best public speaker they've ever seen. Hmm, that's different! I came to OA to lose weight, but look at all the wonderful things I have gained in the meantime.

Heard just what I needed to hear

I was in church tonight and I got reminded, yet again, how God puts messages in my life just when I need to hear them. This month has been a huge struggle financially. So much so in the last couple of weeks that I just wasn't sure where the money was going to come from for simple things like food. I had a prescription to refill for one of my diabetes medications and I couldn't even afford to pick it up. My co-pay isn't even that much, I just had no money. So I was "forced" to plan all of my meals out so that I could stretch out what money I had. I had been frustrated with my program for a while because I either have not been losing or I have been gaining. My blood sugar numbers have also been higher, too.

I let God be in charge of my spiritual health and He gave me the willingness to plan my food out more carefully and really reduce the portions to the minimum of what is on my diabetic food plan while still having healthy meals when I would eat. As a result, I lost weight these last few weeks without even realizing it. I only realized the full scale of it when I accidentally put on a pair of jeans that were too small when I was reaching for another pair right next to them in the closet. They were so small on me before that I couldn't even get it to come together to button. I put them on yesterday and they buttoned and zipped with ease. No pliers or laying on the bed needed!

The other day, I swallowed my pride and cashed in a huge jar full of coins I had. I had to really psyche myself out because my disease was screaming loud and clear. However, I need my diabetes medication. The topper was having a reading not too long ago in the 300's. So I went to the little CoinStar machine in the grocery store, threw my change down there and came back with more than I expected. I was able to get my medication. I felt like a total druggie throwing that little pill down that throat. But, that little pill is aiding my life. It's so interesting ... I had resolved myself to the fact that I was going to have to go on insulin. Made an appointment with the doctor and everything. Finally, when I had accepted it, my numbers are down again. I'm working hard at letting some stress go, so add that to better eating, some exercise and letting God run the show and boom - normal blood sugar numbers and a smaller body.

This brings me back to church and the message there tonight, which was about suffering. Just because I am a Christian doesn't mean that I won't suffer in my life. I can see how God has a plan for me and for you. If I just wade it out, I will see what He is trying to teach me. His Word is so solid and so is my faith. I also get to see, more and more each day, that all of this is one day at a time. Thank you God that I don't have to tackle more than that because, seriously, sometimes I really just can't handle that much at one time. Taking it in smaller chunks helps me handle things that somehow seem insurmountable at the outset. Sometimes that might mean handling my compulsive overeating, my diabetes, differences of opinions with others that I love ... heck, even dealing with a cat who throws up on my carpet right next to perfectly good tile that is easy to clean (you animal people out there know exactly what I'm talking about!). One thing that was clear to me tonight in church is that I need to get back in the Bible daily, like I used to do. God's Word tells me how to live so I'm committing to re-reading, starting from Ch. 1, verse 1 of Genesis. The last time I went all the way through it, it took me about 9 months from cover to cover, but it helped me grow so fundamentally as a Christian and as a human being on this earth that I can't wait to do it again.

I'm exhausted

I had a midterm tonight in my class. I think I did fine, but it's just letting my body release. I've been under a lot of stress lately and seem to have little patience right now for the petty stuff. It's my own deal, not anyone else's. Work has been beyond busy, beyond imagination. I'm not one to complain, just do my work and continue to help the kids. I haven't been making time for lunch. One of my volunteers brought me in a surprise lunch today. Had she not, I wouldn't have eaten. I'm just drained at the office, I need help and I can't get it. Because of the budget, we lost some staff so everyone is having to kick up their workloads and we all feel like we're a little bit on the edge right now.

Yet, despite all of this, I am a person of tremendous faith. I know, with everything in my body, that God will always provide. He expects me to be faithful to Him, putting no one or nothing before Him. I have people who are very important in my life, but God is the one that gives me life. I am not going to live any old way I choose to because it feels good or it's the popular choice. Sometimes that means that I might stand alone on an issue, that everybody may feel one way but I have to stay true to my beliefs and stand tall on mine. That's not always easy, especially in this world of the anything goes mentality. It actually makes me sad sometimes when I witness the things that I do. I know God gives me just enough strength to get through the trials of my life, but also allows me the opportunity to experience a tremendous amount of joy. And, He also uses me daily as a messenger in various ways. Maybe it's being the adult in a young person's life who can be a positive role model, or perhaps the person struggling with their trust of God and the church. I have a friend going through that right now. Does it make me question my own faith? Not in the slightest. That might change relationships, but I believe strongly that we have to take a stand for what we believe in, no matter what the consequences. In the end, I will have no regrets in standing up for what I believe in.

Anyway, I'm very tired. You can probably tell that from how I deviated in this post into an area that maybe makes no sense whatsoever. I can put the formulas and equations from tonight's midterm to bed right now. I can put the uncertainty of the road I am traveling to bed as well. Tomorrow is Friday, the weekend and I am sooo happy about that!

There goes God making His presence known again

So, my diabetes made itself known today. Yesterday or the day before, I made an appointment to see my doctor. Routine, blood work required, but we will likely have a discussion about me going on insulin unless some miracle presents itself beforehand. I felt good about making the appointment because I have been avoiding it out of pride, fear and whatever other stupid reasons I could come up with.

This morning I woke up and my blood sugar was 331. And I felt horrible. My throat was extremely dry, almost had a choking feeling. I couldn't wait to drink water. My head was throbbing. I felt lethargic. I purposely did not eat breakfast, out of fear the number would go higher. I should have called the doctor's office b/c there is a certain level you reach that puts you in the danger zone and I was there.

So, I get to work and I am scheduled to go into a meeting with a girl, her parents, counselor and teachers to discuss her progress. This girl is a diabetic and most of the meeting was spent discussing how she can maintain control of her blood sugar numbers and what the dire consequences are if she doesn't do so.

Then I went to an OA meeting tonight and one of the people there was talking about his high blood sugar numbers as a result of his diabetes. I thought my number was high this morning. Nothing in comparison to this person. But as he's talking, I'm thinking to myself, "Why in the hell is this man not going to see his doctor???" Hmm, earth to Sunny.

Then I'm watching a movie at home and it had one of the characters with out of control diabetes and the ill-effects of what it can do on the body.

Okay, so helloooo! Is God not speaking to me or what? Not only speaking but shouting. I must face the things I fear and I have to take care of myself. I'm tired of feeling bad and being on this rollercoaster of having great glucose control and then having horrible glucose control. In fact, when I was driving in to work this morning, I had this images in my mind of something bad happening to me because I passed out behind the wheel with sky-high blood sugar. I think I might even look at calling my doctor's office and trying to get in sooner than when I'm scheduled.

On a side note, I have a midterm coming up on Thursday in my math class and I'm feeling a little crazed right now. I have to memorize formulas, let alone use them, and I really suck at math. Some of the formulas are so long that they barely fit on an index card without anything else written on them. But, I'm going to devote some time this weekend to studying and not playing. I want to play, but I need to study. Gotta pass the class.

My sponsor always manages to make me cry ... just the way it should be

In my last post, I described an assignment my sponsor gave me about my perfect weekend and my perfect mate. Begrudgingly, but with complete willingness, I did it. So we had a discussion about the mate part. I felt I was thorough enough, she felt I wasn't being specific enough. So we had some discussion about it. I just felt like if I had a laundry list of the qualities I might be seeking in an ideal mate, I might be creating some guy in my mind that cannot possibly exist on planet earth. Then the truth blurted out of my mouth: I told her I feel like I'm not worthy of this man. She thanked me for working on the assignment and we ended the call. This was on Tuesday night.

All that night and up until the next day when I called her, I felt bad. Bad about being so defiant because I didn't want to alter my list and also bad because my true feelings were really coming to the surface. You can't have over three years of abstinence and work a surface program. It takes going deeper and deeper into the layers of the onion. Sometimes I get so tired of the layers, know what I mean? So, when I called my sponsor Wednesday, we talked about it. I told her that I heard her the previous day, but I just wasn't ready to take the leap into the world of dating. (I know how to be with a man and have sex and let it be all about that. I didn't know how to date and be real with a man. Technically, I've never been on a date or in a situation with a man where the sole purpose was not sex. Sex is what I know how to do. Intimacy? Not so much.)

She responded by telling me that she heard me the previous day as well. Then she went on to tell me how much she supports me, how hard she knows this is for me and that we can take it slow. But she did tell me, in no uncertain terms, that there is a man out that for me that deserves me, who I deserve and that I can face all the fears I have. She just said some completely loving things to me. On the other end of the phone was me, with tears falling down my face, overcome with so much emotion that has been pent up for so long. This woman, this sponsor, she cares for me and she loves me in spite of the challenges I give her, in spite of what I do to myself to sabotage moving forward, despite how scared I am. This incredible woman was placed in my life by God on purpose, I can't ever forget that.

And why am I so scared? All of my life, I have known abuse, I have known a life of living on the outside looking in. I have a father that loves me unconditionally, but he can never understand the pain I lived through when he was away under the orders of the military and my mother abused me. He can never understand the fact that I was raped by a man when I was barely a teenager and that he couldn't save me from that. He knows those things happened, now, as a result of me working my program and making amends to him. As hard as it is for him to know those things happened, it's even harder to know there's nothing he can do to save me from the pain of all of that. I know these things happened in the past and I have done a lot of healing work when it comes to all of that, but the hurt is so deep within my soul that it really is going to continue to take more. I don't know how to trust people, I don't know how to let them in. I don't know how to be intimate, whether that is with a man or with a friend.

So here I am, walking naked, totally vulnerable and that scares the shit out of me. It is safer to be fat, it just is. I have lost a lot of weight in my recovery, but I have been around the same size for a while now. It's frustrating to me. I'll lose weight and then stop, maybe even gain a little back. Fat is safe, thin or even normal is like walking around without the benefit of clothing. Unless you have actually lived it, you can't imagine what it is like to be fat, obsese, morbidly obese. People can have empathy, sure. But until you know what it's like to wear a size 32 because nothing else fits, until you know what it's like to sweat when it's cold outside, to always be the biggest one in the room or a number of other things, you can't truly understand how hard it is to live as a fat person wanting to live in a thin world. I'm not the biggest person in every room now, I don't wear a size 32 any longer, but I still have a monster hill to climb. When I get attention from other people, instead of making me feel good, I don't. When men notice me, I think there must be something mental about them, or maybe all they want me for is because they like the big boobs, not anything behind them.

The flip side of that is that I am walking up that hill, I am talking about things I'd much rather not even think about. Dating on a very real level scares me, it scares me a lot. I don't know how to be close to a man and not be sexual with him. I mean, people do talk to other people, have relationships and not necessary end up in the bedroom. To me, it's uncomfortable. Isn't that demented? Usually people are nervous about the other way around. Not me. I kind of think about it in a way a singer is able to sing in front of a large crowd. There are some singers out there who are incredibly shy, totally the opposite of what you would expect. But put them in front of the microphone at a stadium and they can flawlessly belt out their tune, with ease it looks like. How on earth can they do it? They transform themselves into someone who isn't shy, who is in it for the love of the craft. That's sort of how I am with men. Yet, given the opportunity to be intimate and have a real relationship, I don't know how to do it.

Okay, I know this post is way too long and who knows if anyone is even still reading after I have been rambling on. However, it's my blog and the reason I post is to write. Mission accomplished! It gives me such a relief to reveal the depth of who I am, and who I am discovering I am, on here. Writing is my favorite tool of the program, I must admit. I am grateful for my sponsor who never lets me fall, who loves me more than I can have ever imagined. God is so good. He is wonderful. I am so glad I found the courage somewhere deep inside to invite Him into my life. God, help me to stop avoiding the things that scare me, that are unknowns to me and just to trust You.

Btw, I made an appointment to see my doctor. It's not for another month, but I am trying my absolute hardest to look in the mirror, be an adult somehow and take care of myself. Novel idea, eh?

Walking through is not always the easiest thing

When I was a kid, there was a shortcut from the back of my middle school to the back of the high school. You'd walk up this monster hill, walk through a field and you were there. The long way meant adding about 3-4 extra miles. The shortcut was a pain, you were out of breath, but it was much faster and less painful. I get it now when they talk about walking through something rather than around it. The distance is usually much shorter, that's for sure.

I am trying to apply that with my daily work and my life. I had a good talk with my principal and one of the counselors at the high school today about my work load. I need to find a balance. I'm sure my sponsor is done with hearing me talk about work. She's accused me of being a workaholic. I was incredibly offended at that label ... at first. Then, the more I realized it, the more I understand that it does apply in my life. And, frankly, I need to be more than just my work. I have no desire to be a workaholic.

She gave me this assignment to describe my perfect weekend and my perfect mate. I resisted it. I thought it was focusing too much on the negative, on the things I didn't have in my life. Why should I dream and fantasize about what is not mine right at this moment? The other side of that was focusing on the word "perfect." Is that something I wanted or needed to focus on, anyway? I'm trying to live in the gray a little bit, not the black or white. If I paint this picture of my perfect mate, for example, will I close my eyes to the possibilities that lay in the gray? I realized my resistance is because I'm just in this state right now of defiance.

Speaking of which, I have been praying about this, a lot, but I think it's time to call my doctor's office and talk to her about going on insulin. I have been avoiding going in to see her because I was afraid of what I know is coming. I took it as a personal failure. But, hello, I am a diabetic. Some people have to go on insulin. My body feels like it's starting to shut down when it just shouldn't do that at all at my age. I feel zapped of energy, there's a tingling in one of my toes, I always seem to have a headache and my blood sugars are high. Not sky high, but outside the normal range more often than not and I just can't get them down. I'm sure the stress at work and being a student at the same time is not making things any better for my situation. I feel like I need to open myself up more to what my doctor has been trying to get through my head - I need to take better care of myself. I don't want to lose my eyesight, any of my limbs, a kidney. Diabetes is a devastating killer. One of my friends has been saying things to me like, "I don't want to lose you." That leaves a lump in my throat. And, I must admit, I'm scared. Will I be on insulin the rest of my life? Will people look down on me because I have to inject to live? Will it hurt me more than any of all of this is hurting me now? I'm losing weight again, I can feel it, but I just want to make sure it's in the healthiest way possible. Not from stress, but from eating my greens, exercising and doing all that I can to take care of myself. Whether I like it or not. And, yeah, I don't like it so much right now.

Hitting the brick wall

I have been beyond stressed lately and it's doing me in. Not the stress, but me not dealing appropriately with the stress in my life. My work load at the high school has been beyond manageable and I've just been sinking. I work really hard at my job and, as a result, there have been some issues with neighboring high schools that appear to resent that. I don't want to go into much of the details but just to say that there have been some nasty things said about me in the district, accusations of lying at a high level, and from people I have known for years that know my work ethic. It has been extremely hurtful to say the least. Beyond that, it has made me angry. That, coupled with the insane amount of work I have right now, I just have not been taking good care of myself. Every day my routine has been to get up early, go into work without eating breakfast, not eat lunch until about 2:00 or later because I'm so busy and then be starving when I get home. Then, at night, I'll eat just a little bit while I'm working on things I've brought home from the office. That's on the days I don't have school at night. When I do have it, I do all of those things before and after school. The cycle has been going on and on. The stress has not helped things, especially with my blood sugar. In the last five days, I have lost 10 pounds. Not because I am eating sensibly, exercising and all of that but because I haven't been eating, I've been living in stress and all other reasons that are not good for my recovery.

Yesterday at work, after all the kids had gone for the day, I was alone in my office. I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed with my work. I generally just push through and get it done. It's what I've always done. But as I'm going through the paperwork on my desk, trying to look at what I need to get done next week, I just hit that brick wall. And I started to cry. There were still people in the office so I got up and shut my door. I stood behind the door, in the corner, and I just let the tears come. I haven't brought work home today. I'm trying to leave it at work, one day at a time. My identity lately has been through my work and it's not helping me except to keep the stress level high.

One thing is for certain - I have to work hard at taking care of myself. I have to leave time in my day for me and understand I can have a life outside of my work life. The families at my school look to me for help and, while I am anxious to help them, I also must have my own time. I've got to. For my health, let alone my sanity. God doesn't want that craziness for me, and I certainly don't want it either.

Feeling sort of blue

Today was a beautiful day here in San Diego, way too nice for the end of summer. Just reminds me that the days are growing shorter and it's back to the grindstone of life. As a kid, I just loved summers. We woke up early and went outside and played until the back light went on. Meant you better get in the house before your mom calls for you. But man did we have fun. We already dreaded going back to school in the fall. Even though I lived in an abusive household, I could still find solace in the beautiful blue sky outdoors with friends who told secrets and laughed and were happy. I might have been happy, too.

Today, however, I was indoors all day long. I did work that I brought home and feel like I barely made a dent. Without going into the boring details of it all, I have a lot of work right now and no time to do it in. It will get back to my regular pace in about a month or so, even though the regular pace is busy. Let me tell you, if you work in a high school and don't love kids, it's not the place to be! I never have down time there, except the week after school is out before I go off contract for the summer. The work I have now is something new that was added, yet I still have my regular work, too. For next year, I'm going to have to do some thinking about how to better manage this time. But, for today, here I am. I really need to commit to not taking work home any longer. My sponsor always reminds me that it will be there when I get back to work the next day, waiting for me. In the meantime, I need to live my life and not let it be about work all the time.

That's hard for me because I struggle with my life outside of the titles of Employee and Student. There I know what to do with myself. Otherwise, intelligent as I may be, I don't know what to do with myself. None of it feels comfortable. I don't know how to have relationships with people. I've sort of messed those up my entire life. I try to practice the principles in OA in all my affairs and sometimes life on life's terms is pretty hard. I push myself to be as positive as possible, to have gratitude and count my blessings. Most days I do well with that. Some others, however, it's harder. Today was harder.

I woke up this morning from a dream that really made me swallow hard. Without going into too much imagery that is, frankly, TMI, I had a dream I was having sex with a man. Actually, I think it was more along the lines of making love than sex. I could feel him when I woke up with the memory fresh in my mind. It made me ache for that and I became sad. I long so much to be with someone. But not just any someone. That's so easy to do and been there, done that, don't want to do that again. I mean someone that I can be in a healthy relationship with. Not a one night stand, not a married man. When I look back at my history, all the men I've ever been with fit in those two categories. I mean I want me being me, him being him. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong in that world and then other times I know I do. I pray that God grants me continuing patience and faith to trust Him. It's hard sometimes. I think my work today was my way of avoiding, of isolating. I never left the house, except to go to the patio to put clothes in the washer. I was planning on going to an OA function today. Didn't go. I was planning on going to church tonight. Didn't go.

So, here's what I commit for tomorrow. No more work. I am not picking up one more piece of work-related paper unless it is to put it back in my briefcase. I commit to not logging in to my work e-mail. A couple of my friends have invited me to go swimming with them tomorrow and I will definitely do that. I need my friends. I need to see the sun. I need to take care of me. I can't be about my work. And I don't want to continue to be sad tomorrow about not having a special man in my life. I trust in God, I have faith in Him. He is continuing to work on me, but I also need to work on me, too. I commit to these things and will check in tomorrow to report back. And, I promise, I will be honest about it. In all my affairs ...

I've got curly hair ... therefore I am?

I've hated my hair all of my life. It's naturally curly and thick. I've always wanted straight, thin hair. It might be about wanting to fit in with "normal" people b/c my hair has always made me stand out. Most people love my long curls that twirl with no need for a curling iron. But, trust me, having long curly hair makes things hot. So I recently have been straightening my hair with a flat iron. Poof ... straight hair.

It totally changes my face and it makes me feel pretty. I've been realizing, as I stand in front of the mirror with the heat in my hands, that my hair has been another wall that keeps people at bay. Not physically, but symbolically and certainly in my head. It was part of my identity, Sunny with the Curly Hair. It made me interesting. But let's face it ... it's just hair!

The few more minutes that I now spend in front of the mirror in the morning straightening my hair has really been therapeutic actually. Generally speaking, we compulsive overeaters avoid looking in the mirror longer than we have to. It's hard to see what we have done to our ourselves through the disease. I always hated the way I look when I see the reflection in the mirror, always believed I was ugly. Perhaps it was b/c I saw the face of my abusive mother in the reflection. Or maybe it was the years of being teased and a fear of some truth in what those people were saying to me.

Now, though, recovery allows me to be a little bit more objective and kinder to myself. The truth is that I'm a precious child of God. I hardly have any wrinkles on my face at 36, I have eyes that dance when I'm happy and I'm just not that bad after all. I've been feeling good spending those extra few minutes on me in the morning. It gets my day started on the right foot.

Is this post really about my hair? Nope. It's about my perception of the person in the mirror, about being grateful for what God gives me everyday. It's my job to take care of my body and looking in the mirror reminds me of all of that. I've been looking at myself and finding the positive. It's there and even more will be revealed the more I don't avoid looking at myself.