A dear friend of mine has her mother who has been battling cancer. She passed on this morning. She called me very early this morning and I knew as soon as my cell phone rang that it was the call. As I was talking to her, I really felt my heart so full of compassion for her, but also of the knowledge deep inside that God is holding her mother with all of his boundless love and she is pain-free now. I know that when it is my time, I will also be pain-free and disease-free. That is so encouraging. As a diabetic and a compulsive overeater, I have disease within me and someday that won't be the case.
Meanwhile, I am in awe. I learn lessons from people all the time - about resiliency, strength, courage, power. Whether it's in my friend who has shown me what it is to be brave or the kids at work that make me laugh right out loud, I just have to praise God and thank Him for the blessings I am showered with everyday.
Another little thing to make me smile: as I'm typing this, I look over at my dresser in my bedroom and my little Monique, my little pure black cat with a bright pink collar, is admiring herself in the mirror. She's looking at her reflection as if to say, "Yes, I am pretty, and don't you forget it!" She was actually purring at herself. I love it!! It made me smile brightly. Yes, little girl, you're very pretty ;-) How animals just fill up your heart, at least they do mine. Off to bed I go.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The roots of my compulsive overeating
My parents came to visit for the long Memorial Day weekend, my dad and stepmom. It was a great visit, and I really got to see how far I truly have come in my recovery. For them, everything was about food - where were we going to eat food, how long until we eat food, what kind of food were we going to eat ... food, food, food! Arghhh.
Okay, I feel better now. For me, things have changed. Yes, I can enjoy my food but that can be the end of it. An example is we went to Claim Jumper one of the nights they were here. Anyone familiar with Claim Jumper knows that that restaurant is not exactly known for their small portions. Au contraire. I ordered something pretty tasty, but ended up taking the majority of it home because it was just way too much food. Meanwhile, they were practically licking their plates! I had the true audacity of suggesting we split our dishes. The look on their faces was as if I had killed one of my brothers and had just confessed the crime to them. Thinking back now, I really had to chuckle. They probably thought I had gone completely looney at the mere suggestion at such an action of treason!
Ah, my father ... compulsive overeater for sure. My stepmom, a compulsive overeater, too. Me? The apple doesn't far fall from the tree. There is always this debate about whether this disease is heredity or not. If you were to meet my father, the answer would be a resounding hellya! Regardless, it is what it is. I went to two OA meetings while they were here simply because I need to take care of me during all of this. I love them dearly, but they are in a negative place in their life and I just don't need to be there. My father shocked me with the anger he still has just under the surface for my mother. He has been married to my stepmom for 19 years, but to hear him talk, it would think my mother had hurt him just yesterday. I know it takes people what it takes them for healing, if ever. Made me grateful that I don't sit in that kind of anger today. In fact, there is peace around my relationship with my mother somehow. The power of God is absolutely boundless.
One thing is for sure ... I need to work more on spending time with my parents. They are getting older. Not ancient or anything like that, just older. Who knows how much time I have left to say the I love you's. A dear friend of mine has a parent who is dying of cancer right now and it makes me see all the more how important it is to spend what time we do have with our families now, not making plans for later. My dad has these wrinkles and bags under his eyes that I never noticed before, or perhaps didn't want to notice. His hair is gray now. And, despite what my head tells me, he is not 35 years old any longer. That's the age I always picture him at, but he's not there. Sort of impossible to do if I'm 36!
I am so grateful to be in recovery today, even when it's hard to walk with one foot in front of the other. I can see through other people how much life has truly changed. It's amazing and wonderful and I feel so blessed.
Okay, I feel better now. For me, things have changed. Yes, I can enjoy my food but that can be the end of it. An example is we went to Claim Jumper one of the nights they were here. Anyone familiar with Claim Jumper knows that that restaurant is not exactly known for their small portions. Au contraire. I ordered something pretty tasty, but ended up taking the majority of it home because it was just way too much food. Meanwhile, they were practically licking their plates! I had the true audacity of suggesting we split our dishes. The look on their faces was as if I had killed one of my brothers and had just confessed the crime to them. Thinking back now, I really had to chuckle. They probably thought I had gone completely looney at the mere suggestion at such an action of treason!
Ah, my father ... compulsive overeater for sure. My stepmom, a compulsive overeater, too. Me? The apple doesn't far fall from the tree. There is always this debate about whether this disease is heredity or not. If you were to meet my father, the answer would be a resounding hellya! Regardless, it is what it is. I went to two OA meetings while they were here simply because I need to take care of me during all of this. I love them dearly, but they are in a negative place in their life and I just don't need to be there. My father shocked me with the anger he still has just under the surface for my mother. He has been married to my stepmom for 19 years, but to hear him talk, it would think my mother had hurt him just yesterday. I know it takes people what it takes them for healing, if ever. Made me grateful that I don't sit in that kind of anger today. In fact, there is peace around my relationship with my mother somehow. The power of God is absolutely boundless.
One thing is for sure ... I need to work more on spending time with my parents. They are getting older. Not ancient or anything like that, just older. Who knows how much time I have left to say the I love you's. A dear friend of mine has a parent who is dying of cancer right now and it makes me see all the more how important it is to spend what time we do have with our families now, not making plans for later. My dad has these wrinkles and bags under his eyes that I never noticed before, or perhaps didn't want to notice. His hair is gray now. And, despite what my head tells me, he is not 35 years old any longer. That's the age I always picture him at, but he's not there. Sort of impossible to do if I'm 36!
I am so grateful to be in recovery today, even when it's hard to walk with one foot in front of the other. I can see through other people how much life has truly changed. It's amazing and wonderful and I feel so blessed.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
How did I do?
That final was probably THE most difficult exam I've ever taken. I've taken hard courses before, but this test physically hurt my brain ;-) The entire class was grumbling the whole time and shifting in their seats. But, I just got my grade for the class and I've got an A. Woooo hooo!! I'm exhausted, but what a lovely bit of news before heading off to bed. I shouted in my bedroom and freaked my poor kitties out as I was looking up my grade on the computer. If you had an idea how hard I have been studying in this class, you'd know what a relief it is. In a month, I start a summer Math class. Then, in the fall and in the spring both, I will be taking 12 units each while working full-time. So, believe me, I am reveling in this grade and extremely grateful for the month I have off with no school. Yay!
Feeling a little stressed
Today is the last day of my class, so I have my final. I'm feeling pretty good about my knowledge of espanol as it stands right now, but the final is a killer. We're being tested on pretty much every term, conjugated verb, expression and rule we've learned this semester and the professor is a very tough grader. But that's college for you! We did our oral presentations on Tuesday and man oh man was there D-R-A-M-A!
The short of it is that the oral presentations are in groups of 4 people. One of our people flaked out on us, stopped participating, doing his part or even posting anything on the wiki we were required to put all of our work on. So we went to the professor and she told us she was dropping him from our group at the last minute. So we had to scramble, re-work our presentation and memorize everything in Spanish. The night of the presentation, as we're practicing, he shows up. He hasn't been to class for over a week, so we just assumed he dropped the class. He realizes we're going on without him and he was spitting angry. The professor basically told him that he messed up, he left us high and dry and it is his responsibility to follow through as a college student. He didn't think it was fair and we're all sitting there mad at him. If we had not said anything to the teacher, we all would have gotten F's because he obviously was not prepared. The whole class, he was angry, shot looks of death my way and I thought he might even try to kill the professor.
I hate the drama, I must say! I've had so much drama in my life and I tell you what, I don't miss it at all. Anyway, I'm walking into my final with an A in the class so I'm feeling good. Meanwhile, my father is coming for a visit this weekend. It was a completely last minute deal and I'm sort of wondering what's going on. Just last weekend, he and my stepmother drove from their home in Utah to see my stepbrother in Oregon. Now, he's driving from Utah here to San Diego this weekend. It makes me wonder what news he's bringing with him. That's a lot of driving two weekends in a row. He did get a new minivan, so it might be about him wanting to drive because he loves to do that. And I haven't seen him in a year and a half. It just leaves a funny feeling in my tummy. Hopefully, it's just a visit and nothing more! I think we'll go to either the zoo or Wild Animal Park. He took me to those places as a little girl growing up here and I'm looking forward to being an adult doing those things with him.
Here I am, another day. Abstinent, good blood sugar and I'm ready to greet the day. Yay Thursday ;-)
The short of it is that the oral presentations are in groups of 4 people. One of our people flaked out on us, stopped participating, doing his part or even posting anything on the wiki we were required to put all of our work on. So we went to the professor and she told us she was dropping him from our group at the last minute. So we had to scramble, re-work our presentation and memorize everything in Spanish. The night of the presentation, as we're practicing, he shows up. He hasn't been to class for over a week, so we just assumed he dropped the class. He realizes we're going on without him and he was spitting angry. The professor basically told him that he messed up, he left us high and dry and it is his responsibility to follow through as a college student. He didn't think it was fair and we're all sitting there mad at him. If we had not said anything to the teacher, we all would have gotten F's because he obviously was not prepared. The whole class, he was angry, shot looks of death my way and I thought he might even try to kill the professor.
I hate the drama, I must say! I've had so much drama in my life and I tell you what, I don't miss it at all. Anyway, I'm walking into my final with an A in the class so I'm feeling good. Meanwhile, my father is coming for a visit this weekend. It was a completely last minute deal and I'm sort of wondering what's going on. Just last weekend, he and my stepmother drove from their home in Utah to see my stepbrother in Oregon. Now, he's driving from Utah here to San Diego this weekend. It makes me wonder what news he's bringing with him. That's a lot of driving two weekends in a row. He did get a new minivan, so it might be about him wanting to drive because he loves to do that. And I haven't seen him in a year and a half. It just leaves a funny feeling in my tummy. Hopefully, it's just a visit and nothing more! I think we'll go to either the zoo or Wild Animal Park. He took me to those places as a little girl growing up here and I'm looking forward to being an adult doing those things with him.
Here I am, another day. Abstinent, good blood sugar and I'm ready to greet the day. Yay Thursday ;-)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Have you been judged, even in OA meetings?
Yesterday I was thinking a lot about judgement. As a society, we do it to each other all the time. Thoughts like, "I can't believe she's wearing that," or "Why is that man begging on the corner again?" or "She can't possibly abstinent - look at how much she weighs." In Overeaters Anonymous, we are supposed to be very safe and not feel judgment, but it is there. I'm not saying everybody does it, but there are a handful of people that are experiencing physical recovery and judge others for what they see as flaws of that other person's program.
It has happened to me and I know it has happened to other people as well. Yesterday, I shared in one of the two meetings I went to about the fact I am glad my road traveled has been exactly the way it has been. I have been in OA for 10 years. There are people who came in and lost all their weight and I've never seen them again. That is until one day when they have gotten back up and surpassed where they were before, felt defeated and crawled back into the rooms. Or those that have the physical recovery, but they are still very sick in their thinking and actions.
Maybe I'm not where I would've hoped I would be by this time, but it is all in God's time. I have lost a lot of weight and am continuing to do so. But, to me, more than that has been my healing in other ways. There is peace with me more than not today. There is so much incredible, wonderful emotional healing with the wreckage of the past. I don't consider myself a "survivor" of these things, the child abuse and the rape. I don't want to label myself as a survivor and use it as a crutch to explain away the rest of my life. Yes, these things did happen and there was a lot of pain with them, but it's over now. If I let these things continue to fester in me and not have healing, then all I'm doing is raping myself and abusing myself over and over every single day. No thank you!
As far as the physical healing, it is slow and that is okay. People judge me for that in the rooms, I know. I've seen it in their faces, which speaks volumes because we all know that look. For the people that concentrate only on that, I'm sorry you feel I'm not worthy of you and all your perceived greatness. I will not apologize for not losing all my weight overnight and look so gaunt and unhealthy as some do or be bitter inside. I have lost over 130 pounds, which I think some people choose not to see and think I have been living in the land of fat serenity. And I'm continuing to go down.
Trust me, I am not saying these things in an angry way, not at all. I am not angry. What I am is working my 12 step program in all ways they are meant to be worked for compulsive overeaters - physical, emotional and spiritual. I really hope that all compulsive overeaters would do the same thing. As a result, there will be a tremendous sense of peace. In the meantime, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. The 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous have brought that to me by helping me reestablish my relationship with God and helping me live one day at a time as the person He wants for me. There is wonderful healing in the rooms, despite the small contingent that judge.
Everyday in my body is a new adventure. I don't have to be sad as to where my disease has taken me, but I can absolutely rejoice in where my God takes me when I get the frig out of the way. I do the footwork and, amazingly, He always, always takes care of the rest. Right now, I am discovering new muscles on my body as it continues to get smaller one day at a time. Did you know I have muscles? It's true!! My hips are developing these rocking muscles that I can't stop touching. (I know ... TMI.) My legs have these muscles of power that I get to see more as I allow myself to live in the solution. When I put lotion on my legs, I have gratitude for God's grace. I can love my legs and treat them very kindly. They are silky soft, but also getting defined each day that I continue to exercise them and treat them well. Today I can find gratitude in them, something I never did before when I was concentrating on simply exercising like a crazy woman and not living in the solution.
So, for me, I will continue to work my steps just as I have been doing. I never left the rooms and, one day at a time, I never will. My recovery is about living in the solution physically, emotionally and spiritually. Today I have no shame if someone were to stop by my house unexpectedly. No binge foods here. No room that looks like a hurricane hit it. Just me living in the solution and thanking God every day for what He has done for me.
It has happened to me and I know it has happened to other people as well. Yesterday, I shared in one of the two meetings I went to about the fact I am glad my road traveled has been exactly the way it has been. I have been in OA for 10 years. There are people who came in and lost all their weight and I've never seen them again. That is until one day when they have gotten back up and surpassed where they were before, felt defeated and crawled back into the rooms. Or those that have the physical recovery, but they are still very sick in their thinking and actions.
Maybe I'm not where I would've hoped I would be by this time, but it is all in God's time. I have lost a lot of weight and am continuing to do so. But, to me, more than that has been my healing in other ways. There is peace with me more than not today. There is so much incredible, wonderful emotional healing with the wreckage of the past. I don't consider myself a "survivor" of these things, the child abuse and the rape. I don't want to label myself as a survivor and use it as a crutch to explain away the rest of my life. Yes, these things did happen and there was a lot of pain with them, but it's over now. If I let these things continue to fester in me and not have healing, then all I'm doing is raping myself and abusing myself over and over every single day. No thank you!
As far as the physical healing, it is slow and that is okay. People judge me for that in the rooms, I know. I've seen it in their faces, which speaks volumes because we all know that look. For the people that concentrate only on that, I'm sorry you feel I'm not worthy of you and all your perceived greatness. I will not apologize for not losing all my weight overnight and look so gaunt and unhealthy as some do or be bitter inside. I have lost over 130 pounds, which I think some people choose not to see and think I have been living in the land of fat serenity. And I'm continuing to go down.
Trust me, I am not saying these things in an angry way, not at all. I am not angry. What I am is working my 12 step program in all ways they are meant to be worked for compulsive overeaters - physical, emotional and spiritual. I really hope that all compulsive overeaters would do the same thing. As a result, there will be a tremendous sense of peace. In the meantime, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. The 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous have brought that to me by helping me reestablish my relationship with God and helping me live one day at a time as the person He wants for me. There is wonderful healing in the rooms, despite the small contingent that judge.
Everyday in my body is a new adventure. I don't have to be sad as to where my disease has taken me, but I can absolutely rejoice in where my God takes me when I get the frig out of the way. I do the footwork and, amazingly, He always, always takes care of the rest. Right now, I am discovering new muscles on my body as it continues to get smaller one day at a time. Did you know I have muscles? It's true!! My hips are developing these rocking muscles that I can't stop touching. (I know ... TMI.) My legs have these muscles of power that I get to see more as I allow myself to live in the solution. When I put lotion on my legs, I have gratitude for God's grace. I can love my legs and treat them very kindly. They are silky soft, but also getting defined each day that I continue to exercise them and treat them well. Today I can find gratitude in them, something I never did before when I was concentrating on simply exercising like a crazy woman and not living in the solution.
So, for me, I will continue to work my steps just as I have been doing. I never left the rooms and, one day at a time, I never will. My recovery is about living in the solution physically, emotionally and spiritually. Today I have no shame if someone were to stop by my house unexpectedly. No binge foods here. No room that looks like a hurricane hit it. Just me living in the solution and thanking God every day for what He has done for me.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I have a problem
What is my problem? Falling pants, namely off my bootie. It's happening at work, it happened at school last night. I know, what a nice problem to have, huh? I'm not complaining, just saying that it's happening. I also have bra straps that are falling, too. Hey, if I'm talking about pants falling off my bootie, what's the big leap in talking about my bra??
I'm so grateful today. I am not working ... it's Friday, have excess vacation so I'm off. It's going to be near a 100 at home today, so I'm planning on doing a little work out then heading down to the beach where it will be 85. Still hot, especially for the beach, but much better. I have a presentation due next week and my final in my spanish class so I think there's no better place to study. I was p.o.'d last night because one of our group members flaked out so now it's left with just us having to memorize more lines in Spanish for our project we have to do in front of the class. But what can I do? I got mad, I'm over it and moving on. I promise, plenty of suntan lotion will be touching my skin today. Then, later on tonight, I'm heading out for an OA meeting in my droopy drawers ;-)
I'm so grateful today. I am not working ... it's Friday, have excess vacation so I'm off. It's going to be near a 100 at home today, so I'm planning on doing a little work out then heading down to the beach where it will be 85. Still hot, especially for the beach, but much better. I have a presentation due next week and my final in my spanish class so I think there's no better place to study. I was p.o.'d last night because one of our group members flaked out so now it's left with just us having to memorize more lines in Spanish for our project we have to do in front of the class. But what can I do? I got mad, I'm over it and moving on. I promise, plenty of suntan lotion will be touching my skin today. Then, later on tonight, I'm heading out for an OA meeting in my droopy drawers ;-)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Argh!!!!
I am a crazed woman. I'm back at work this week and it has been insane. I am beyond slammed with work and I'm feeling pretty anxious about it. We have about a month until school is out and I am feeling absolutely overwhelmed with all the things I need to do. I asked someone for help today, which is a pretty big deal for me, and she told me she was too busy. Then I mentioned the principal asked she assist me and her tune changed. Okay, help me not be resentful against that! Just like in program, I have to remember that I can only take this one day at a time. I will put one foot in front of the other and do the absolute best I can. Now I'm going to bed and I'm so exhausted that I bet I won't remember in the morning my head even hitting the pillow. Calgon take me away ;-)
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The healing happens every day
I finished reading a fantastic book that I would completely recommend to anyone with less than 200 pages, the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom (same person who write Tuesdays with Morrie). The book came out five years ago, but I was in a different space in my life and I don't think it would have appealed to me then the way it does now.
I cried and, in parts, sobbed. Essentially the plot is about five people you will meet in heaven after death to teach you lessons about your life here on earth and how you have affected people. There are times in my life when I have wondered why certain events have happened - why was I abused, raped, a compulsive overeater, worked for the spawn of evil in the past, never finished college when I was younger, etc.?
I get to see in so many different ways that absolutely everything happens for a reason, that there are no mistakes. Everything is a process, I am certain of this. If I had finished college right out of high school, I would not have found my passion as I now have done. It is now that I am working on finishing college, with amazing and clear purpose. I worked for an evil woman, but I made a difference in the lives of many young people with disabilities. While I no longer work for her, I work in my same district in a high school where I get to work with many more children who touch me greatly every day and who, I'm hoping, I touch in some way, too. My mother was greatly abusive, yes, but she is a lost soul that hurts in her own way. Through her treatment of me, I have learned what type of person I do not want to be and have worked very hard to break the cycle of abuse. I know that I am loving and compassionate today, despite it, and I'm so grateful for that.
I can even look at the fact that I am a compulsive overeater as a great blessing in so many ways. It brought me to Overeaters Anonymous, which led me running back to God and not away from Him. I have developed amazing friendships and cleaned house of the people in my life who are toxic. I am a different person today, completely. I feel joy, something I'm not sure I ever felt before. The anger is gone, there is no more rage inside, no shame. I get to see how beautiful God is every single day of my life, even on the rough days.
I think reading that book really helped me see my evolution through all of the pain. Sometimes with pain comes suffering, but there is something so much more beautiful on the other side. That pure joy makes me cry. Not tears of pain, but those of thankfulness. There is tremendous forgiveness - for others and myself, too. How very blessed we are to have such wonderful love. How very blessed am I to have such wonderful love.
I cried and, in parts, sobbed. Essentially the plot is about five people you will meet in heaven after death to teach you lessons about your life here on earth and how you have affected people. There are times in my life when I have wondered why certain events have happened - why was I abused, raped, a compulsive overeater, worked for the spawn of evil in the past, never finished college when I was younger, etc.?
I get to see in so many different ways that absolutely everything happens for a reason, that there are no mistakes. Everything is a process, I am certain of this. If I had finished college right out of high school, I would not have found my passion as I now have done. It is now that I am working on finishing college, with amazing and clear purpose. I worked for an evil woman, but I made a difference in the lives of many young people with disabilities. While I no longer work for her, I work in my same district in a high school where I get to work with many more children who touch me greatly every day and who, I'm hoping, I touch in some way, too. My mother was greatly abusive, yes, but she is a lost soul that hurts in her own way. Through her treatment of me, I have learned what type of person I do not want to be and have worked very hard to break the cycle of abuse. I know that I am loving and compassionate today, despite it, and I'm so grateful for that.
I can even look at the fact that I am a compulsive overeater as a great blessing in so many ways. It brought me to Overeaters Anonymous, which led me running back to God and not away from Him. I have developed amazing friendships and cleaned house of the people in my life who are toxic. I am a different person today, completely. I feel joy, something I'm not sure I ever felt before. The anger is gone, there is no more rage inside, no shame. I get to see how beautiful God is every single day of my life, even on the rough days.
I think reading that book really helped me see my evolution through all of the pain. Sometimes with pain comes suffering, but there is something so much more beautiful on the other side. That pure joy makes me cry. Not tears of pain, but those of thankfulness. There is tremendous forgiveness - for others and myself, too. How very blessed we are to have such wonderful love. How very blessed am I to have such wonderful love.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Acceptance is the key
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my compulsive overeating, I could not stay abstinent; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world a son what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
"Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me." - Big Book, pgs 449, 452.
I followed through on my commitment to read about acceptance in the Big Book in dealing with the current state of my diabetes, and, in turn, my state as a recovering compulsive overeater. Here are some things that really spoke to me from the reading:
"Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me." - Big Book, pgs 449, 452.
I followed through on my commitment to read about acceptance in the Big Book in dealing with the current state of my diabetes, and, in turn, my state as a recovering compulsive overeater. Here are some things that really spoke to me from the reading:
- My serenity is a direct result of my level of acceptance.
- God does not make mistakes, ever.
- Unless I can accept my diabetes, I will never have control of it. When I do, there is control.
- Change begins at home, from within.
- I have to always do the footwork. However it turns out is completely out of my hands.
Do I want to be a compulsive overeater? Do I want to have diabetes? Initially, my response is a shout of absolutely not! However, I am a type of person that learns by falling flat on her face. As a kid, my father would lecture me about something so I didn't have to learn the hard way. But, for me, the hard way was how it stuck. Today, I can look at the fact that I am a compulsive overeater and diabetic and thank God. Of course, no one wants to have a chronic disease that does kill it's victims. However, if I am going to learn, I do so falling flat on my face. These two diseases have allowed that to happen. I couldn't feel lower than how these things have made me feel. On the flip side of that, I couldn't feel more joyous than these two things have made me feel.
How is that? I have a relationship with God today that is so close, so strong. I know, with all that is in me, that He is my Father. I have faith today and I give myself fully. I hated Him for a long time, thinking He abandoned me. The truth is, He never abandoned me. I did that to Him. He has now gotten my attention, and we get to work on healing and having a wonderful life, even with it's ups and downs. I totally get that I'm being molded into something fantastic. Look at the things I have been through in my life - years of repeated childhood abuse at the hands of my mother, a brutal rape at 13, a 5-year affair with a married man, losing myself in a world of sex to feel deserving, compulsive overeating that led to diabetes.
It's not pretty. However, I am healing and morphing into this woman of great depth, compassion, and love. I don't hate my mother today. In fact, I pray for her peace and salvation. I have relationships with kids today through my work that are very healthy and loving, something I learned how to do in program and not by the messages my mother gave me. I can talk about being raped and not cry every time I thought about it. That man was very ill. I ended that affair, which could have gone on much longer. In fact, getting abstinent again gave me the strength I needed to walk through that very difficult time. At times, I felt like I couldn't breathe because the pain was so deep. I loved him greatly, but it wasn't right. I no longer sleep around with men in a vain effort to fill some void in my life. I get to deal with those feelings, knowing I deserve so much better than filling my bed with a stream of men who I only wanted for an evening. And, my diabetes, seen as a curse in the beginning, is now a lovely blessing. A blessing because it got my attention. It helps me see how to live one day at a time. Never before could I understand this very vital concept until I became a diabetic. I am a compulsive overeater and I will be one for the rest of my life. However, I don't need to be one in the throes of her disease. I choose recovery.
I do accept God's will for me. It is not to be sick, but to be well and full of life. It is to be an example to other people. Maybe because they need to see the compassion He gives through me, maybe to see the healing He gives through me, maybe to see disease through me leading to recovery. Whatever it is, I know I am continuing to grow and to flourish as His very precious child.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
My solemn vow
Okay, for the last month or so since my blood sugar numbers have been lower, I have been waiting with bated breath. For what? To wake up from this dream, for a malfunctioning glucose meter, for the other shoe to drop. Something to help me see how this is all happening. I can't. You should see the look on my face every time my meter counts down to 0 and produces a number that is normal. My best descriptors are astonished, amazed, dumbfounded, teary-eyed. In fact, for the last several days, my numbers have been on the borderline of being too low.
What can I say? God is sooo good. He placed tremendous willingness on my heart to go to a new level of surrender and has rewarded me with healthy days, verified by wonderful numbers. Not only that, I feel good. I have a lot more energy and certainly a lot more peace. I think peace is something we all strive for in our lives. Even if it's only peace within ourselves - anything to get the committee to stop yapping!
So, my solemn vow is to stop expecting the worse. Perhaps I should pull out my Big Book and read 449 about acceptance. Not just that I am a compulsive overeater, not just that I am a diabetic, but that I am a diabetic compulsive overeater who is abstinent and has healthy blood sugar numbers one day at a time. In fact, I commit to doing just that. I am really grateful, but I know the false anticipation is not a place I need to live in, at least not today.
What can I say? God is sooo good. He placed tremendous willingness on my heart to go to a new level of surrender and has rewarded me with healthy days, verified by wonderful numbers. Not only that, I feel good. I have a lot more energy and certainly a lot more peace. I think peace is something we all strive for in our lives. Even if it's only peace within ourselves - anything to get the committee to stop yapping!
So, my solemn vow is to stop expecting the worse. Perhaps I should pull out my Big Book and read 449 about acceptance. Not just that I am a compulsive overeater, not just that I am a diabetic, but that I am a diabetic compulsive overeater who is abstinent and has healthy blood sugar numbers one day at a time. In fact, I commit to doing just that. I am really grateful, but I know the false anticipation is not a place I need to live in, at least not today.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Don't I know my body?
I'm amazed that there is still soo much room to grow in my recovery. Today I went to a great noon meeting with fantastic sharing. Afterwards, my sponsee and I went out for lunch. We went to a greek place, so I had a gyro salad, which came with pita bread. I had just a little bit of the bread and most of my salad. When I got home, I was a little tired from not having slept well last night so I took a little nap before my class tonight. I got up and had a really dry throat. As a diabetic, that usually is a sign that my blood sugar is high. With some frustration, I tested my blood sugar, wondering if having that portion of the pita as well as carrots in my salad did me in. Imagine my shock when my meter read 89. I tested it again and it was 83. What a surprise that was! It goes to really show me that I always can be teachable and to just trust my process. I had the pita to get a little bit of carbs in, but knew I had to limit myself. With 80-120 being normal, I need to remember that normal is a good thing.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Results of my visit
What a terrific doctor's visit. I walked in there with no fear, which is pretty unusual for us compulsive overeaters when we need to see pretty much anyone in the medical community. My doctor was so wonderful with me, as she usually is. She was almost like a proud mom when she looked at my blood sugar numbers, encouraging me to keep doing what I'm doing. I would have gone on insulin today but I no longer need to. My last a1c test, which shows the average of a person's blood sugars over the course of 3 months was 275 (10%). For people not familiar with diabetes, they look for normal numbers to be in a range of 80-120 on a daily basis with a goal of 170 (7%) or lower on average. One day at a time, one meal at a time, they are there. Currently I'm at an average of 131 (just under 6%). I have gone down from 275 to 131. All I can do is praise God on this. I fully surrendered myself and became willing to go to a new level of surrender.
My sponsor has asked that I weigh at least one time each month. Because the numbers make me too crazy, I'm planning on doing that at my doctor's office. They are more than happy to help with this. So I'll get on the scale and instead of them telling me what my weight is, they will tell me the difference since the last weigh in. That will help take me out of the craziness I feel when the total weight makes me insane. This is just for today. Who knows how long I will do this, but I need to do what I need to do for my whole person recovery - physical, emotional and spiritual. My doctor reminded me that for change to stick, it has got to be gradual over time. Losing weight too fast, which we discovered I was doing, is not only unhealthy but all but guarantees that I'll put it back on. Here I am for today, a compulsive overeater who has normal blood sugars, normal cholesterol and a normal blood pressure. What a miracle. Thank you, God.
My sponsor has asked that I weigh at least one time each month. Because the numbers make me too crazy, I'm planning on doing that at my doctor's office. They are more than happy to help with this. So I'll get on the scale and instead of them telling me what my weight is, they will tell me the difference since the last weigh in. That will help take me out of the craziness I feel when the total weight makes me insane. This is just for today. Who knows how long I will do this, but I need to do what I need to do for my whole person recovery - physical, emotional and spiritual. My doctor reminded me that for change to stick, it has got to be gradual over time. Losing weight too fast, which we discovered I was doing, is not only unhealthy but all but guarantees that I'll put it back on. Here I am for today, a compulsive overeater who has normal blood sugars, normal cholesterol and a normal blood pressure. What a miracle. Thank you, God.
Seeing my doctor today
I have an appointment to see my doctor today, a routine diabetes care visit. I will be bringing my sheet with me of my blood sugar numbers. It's amazing the change that has taken place since I started weighing and measuring my food, along with (almost) daily exercise. The average of all of my numbers since April 16th is 131, which is amazing given I was going to have to go on insulin. I had a couple of times when the number was a little bit higher, but mostly all of my numbers are in range of where they are supposed to be. Today I don't have fear about going in. There's peace with all of this. Last night, I was putting some food in baggies after having gone grocery shopping. I've been weighing the amount of my protein and putting the baggies each away in the freezer so I don't have to worry about it when cooking the food. I am continually amazed how many meals I can make out of something that used to only give me one gigantic meal. I spent $29 the other day on groceries for the week for myself. That would have bought me food for a binge before, not feeding me for the entire week.
All of this is just not about the physical. There are spiritual and emotional leaps and bounds as well. I continue to grow closer to God, with an immense amount of gratitude. I feel teachable now, not so full of self. This is not just because of the weighing and measuring. I have spent the last three years in abstinence strengthening my relationship with God, getting immense emotional healing along the way. I just feel like the physical relief is starting to come around, too. I've already had some major physical recovery, but then a long period of just staying stagnat and feeling very frustrated by that. It's a slow process for me. Some people in program lose weight very fast, but their emotional and spiritual progress suffer as a result a lot of the times. Personally, I'd rather lose weight slowly than torture myself by losing my abstinence over and over and over again as I've seen so many people do. It hurts to see that happen in others. It happened to me before, too, when I first came in program. Now I find peace in my days, not all the time, but certainly more than ever before.
All of this is just not about the physical. There are spiritual and emotional leaps and bounds as well. I continue to grow closer to God, with an immense amount of gratitude. I feel teachable now, not so full of self. This is not just because of the weighing and measuring. I have spent the last three years in abstinence strengthening my relationship with God, getting immense emotional healing along the way. I just feel like the physical relief is starting to come around, too. I've already had some major physical recovery, but then a long period of just staying stagnat and feeling very frustrated by that. It's a slow process for me. Some people in program lose weight very fast, but their emotional and spiritual progress suffer as a result a lot of the times. Personally, I'd rather lose weight slowly than torture myself by losing my abstinence over and over and over again as I've seen so many people do. It hurts to see that happen in others. It happened to me before, too, when I first came in program. Now I find peace in my days, not all the time, but certainly more than ever before.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Life today
I had a great time at the beach yesterday, joined for part of the time by an OA sister and part of the time alone. I don't care how many people are on the beach, there is something so peaceful about looking out at the waves pounding. I have a partial burn, basically on the places I didn't do a very good job putting lotion on. Live and learn. Or do I learn? Hmm.
As I was out there, I was thinking about the conversation I had with my sponsor the other day about being a normal body weight. Am I ready? Really deep down in places I don't like to go to? The truth is, yes. I think that's what made me burst into tears the other day. I have been abstinent since January 7, 2005. There have been ebbs and flows with all of it, but there has been an amazing growth within me. I feel like I am fully prepared to let go of the weight and cross over to the other side. All of my life I felt like there was this smaller person trapped inside, clawing to get out. She is the healthy me, combatting the compulsive overeater. The one that actually likes exercise when she does it, who is powerful, glorious, beautiful human being. Today, there are so many tools out there to help me and I have enough recovery in me to reach for those tools.
When I woke up just a while ago, I looked at the date and realized today is my mother's birthday. I wonder how she is. She stopped talking to me after I made my 9th step ammends to her 10 years ago. She was very abusive towards me to the point where Child Protective Services investigated our family twice and we were removed from the home. When I made my amends, I mentioned the abuse as part of why I acted the way I did as a kid. She has always denied that she did what she did, and time did nothing for that. So, 10 years ago, she just stopped talking to me. I told her I would leave our relationship up to her because I was always the one that kept it going. At the time, it hurt badly to know that she would rather let it go. I realize now, though, that it was completely a God thing to have her removed. She was very toxic to me. I don't think I would be in recovery today if she was in my life - the two just don't mesh. I have other amazing women in my life who show me what it is to be a woman of integrity and character. I don't know where she lives today, how she's doing. I do pray for her. She's my mother and I still love her. Part of me always will. I get sad at her birthday, especially with Mother's Day following closely behind. This year, I'm not necessarily sad but my heart does ache for to find love in her life. Not necessarily love of a man/woman relationship, although that is very important, of course, but I mean love of God. That love transcends any love out there.
Who knows what today will bring, but I'm looking forward to a really good day. I've had my breakfast, I'm doing my laundry, I'll be going to two really great OA meetings later on and the rest will be revealed.
As I was out there, I was thinking about the conversation I had with my sponsor the other day about being a normal body weight. Am I ready? Really deep down in places I don't like to go to? The truth is, yes. I think that's what made me burst into tears the other day. I have been abstinent since January 7, 2005. There have been ebbs and flows with all of it, but there has been an amazing growth within me. I feel like I am fully prepared to let go of the weight and cross over to the other side. All of my life I felt like there was this smaller person trapped inside, clawing to get out. She is the healthy me, combatting the compulsive overeater. The one that actually likes exercise when she does it, who is powerful, glorious, beautiful human being. Today, there are so many tools out there to help me and I have enough recovery in me to reach for those tools.
When I woke up just a while ago, I looked at the date and realized today is my mother's birthday. I wonder how she is. She stopped talking to me after I made my 9th step ammends to her 10 years ago. She was very abusive towards me to the point where Child Protective Services investigated our family twice and we were removed from the home. When I made my amends, I mentioned the abuse as part of why I acted the way I did as a kid. She has always denied that she did what she did, and time did nothing for that. So, 10 years ago, she just stopped talking to me. I told her I would leave our relationship up to her because I was always the one that kept it going. At the time, it hurt badly to know that she would rather let it go. I realize now, though, that it was completely a God thing to have her removed. She was very toxic to me. I don't think I would be in recovery today if she was in my life - the two just don't mesh. I have other amazing women in my life who show me what it is to be a woman of integrity and character. I don't know where she lives today, how she's doing. I do pray for her. She's my mother and I still love her. Part of me always will. I get sad at her birthday, especially with Mother's Day following closely behind. This year, I'm not necessarily sad but my heart does ache for to find love in her life. Not necessarily love of a man/woman relationship, although that is very important, of course, but I mean love of God. That love transcends any love out there.
Who knows what today will bring, but I'm looking forward to a really good day. I've had my breakfast, I'm doing my laundry, I'll be going to two really great OA meetings later on and the rest will be revealed.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Yay May
Okay, so here I am on vacation again! Talk about a charmed little life. Not only am I on vacation again after just two weeks back at work but it's paid to boot ;-) Guess where I'm headed off to today? That's right ... the beach. You're already knowing me so well. I've had an abstinent breakfast after waking up abstinently and I had a good sweaty workout. So I'm about to hop in the shower and greet this bright and beautiful San Diego Friday. Yay! (I know, it's sickingly sweet, but I'm on vaca - sue me.)
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