Where did that come from?

Tonight I was speaking to my sponsor about becoming a normal body weight and issues surrounding that. She told me that I'm ready, that she knows I have the tools to handle it. My emotions came out through tears that I was not expecting. I have never been a normal body weight, never had those thin years growing up, so it's a completely foreign land to me. Even at my lowest in recovery, I would say I have been on the border of being on the high end of normal.

I have done a lot in recovery and have grown immensely. Having come from a background of childhood abuse, rape at 13 and my inappropriate acting out sexually with men, I know I have grown so much in recovery. I have let go of a lot of weight. Now I get to see this deeper layer of the onion, one that I have lived in fear of for probably my entire life. Being a normal body weight has really scared me. As a compulsive overeater, of course I want it. Yet, in a sick and twisted way, it is safe to have weight on my body. Right now, I believe because of my changes in weighing/measuring my food along with exercise, I am now dropping weight too fast. I can feel it and see it in how my clothes are fitting. I'm going to see my doctor on Monday and want to talk to her about adjusting my food plan. It is not healthy for me to lose too fast not only physically, but emotionally as well. I welcome the weight loss, but at a reasonable and sound pace.

I guess more gets revealed all the time.

The view from my chair

We went to the beach today. Had to ... it was nearly 100 inland so the beach was the most obvious choice. So after church, off we went. I do enjoy people watching, I must say. I see so many characters in the course of a day and I get to see how truly ordinary I really am.

We parked and tried to wade across a busy street in Pacific Beach. Have you ever played that video game Frogger as a kid (or as an adult ... let's face - some of us still play and love it)? That's exactly how it felt getting across that street. On the other side of the street is this bar where a horde of drunk people hang out on the corner blindly staring at those headed to the beach. We try to not make eye contact. As compulsive overeaters who are in recovery but are not of the hard-body variety, we aren't exactly wanting to invite the attention.

Once on the sand, we planted ourselves about halfway between the shore and boardwalk. My friend, a fellow COE, went down to the water for a little bit to get her toes wet. I looked around and really saw how not unique I am. One of the reasons I love the particular beach we go to is that there are "normal" people there. Some people with killer bodies, sure, but mostly people who are regular with maybe a little extra weight or fellow compulsive overeaters or just your average joe. We noticed a rather large woman sitting practically in the water with a towel laid over her lap and wearing one of those bathing suits with the skirt sewed in. I ached for her, I really did. I could see how self-conscious she was, looking as though she was trying really hard to avoid other people.

For me, once I'm in the sand and I only have my bathing suit on, I become just like everyone else. I have a bathing suit that makes me feel pretty, dare I even say sexy. I put tunes in my ears and just enjoyed the scenery around me. Two guys were wrestling in the sand, kids building sand castles, a girl who kept spraying us with sunscreen because she wasn't thinking about the wind. It felt nice to be a "part of".

It's interesting how our disease makes us feel like we need to isolate and hide out from the world. The truth is, the beach is my favorite place in the world. There was tragedy in one of our northern San Diego beaches on Friday with a shark attack. As lifeguards went out on a rescue today because we were have rips, I could see the whole beach looking and I bet they were wondering the same thing I was ... was it the shark? They never found the one that attacked. The likelihood is practically slim to none, but the thought is there. Yet, despite that, it is still my favorite place. I get to come to peace with the demons of the past when I was mercilessly teased as a kid on beaches. It's a different time now and I am a different person. I hope other compulsive overeaters feel safe to venture out there one day. It's a wonderful place to be.

Do I have the much needed power?

The reading in today's Voices of Recovery really spoke to me. "What would I like such a power to be and to do in my life? ... Then we began to act as if such a power existed and we found good things happening to us as a result."

There are many things I have the ability to do on my own power. I perform the many facets of my job every day helping kids, whether that is listening, offering advise or comforting them. I manage to pay my bills, keep my cats alive and do a myriad of other things. There are things, however, that I need help with in my life. I have learned that it is perfectly okay to ask for that help. In fact, each time that I do, it is there for me. That is especially true when I ask God for help.

I don't know how it is that I am abstinent today and that I have been for over three years. Is it my own will? Nope. I turn this precious gift from God over to Him every single day and, through His grace, He grants me with another day. Is it my own will that my blood sugar is perfectly normal today? No. If you had been reading my posts over the months about my struggle with normalizing my blood sugars, you'd know my own will was just not sufficient. However, I have turned this over to Him as well. As a result, even as I type this, my numbers are absolutely normal.

There are things I can do and there are things I can't do. When I do need help, I have to get over myself and ask for it. It doesn't make me lesser of a person, just a human. That doesn't mean I stand idly by. I have a part in things, too. If I ask God for help in having normal blood sugars today, I also have things I need to do. That means, for me, I am weighing/measuring my food and exercising. When I did those things or part of them before, I just couldn't do it on my own. I have found, though, that with God's help, I can move mountains.

I find that a big part of that miracle is my trust in something greater than me. I have heard people in the rooms call their Higher Power "Not Me". Very true. For me, I am very clear that I am a child of God with a Savior. I will never waiver from that, not ever again. I spent a lifetime running from that, not trusting ... and dying as a result. All we need is a mustard seed size of faith. From that, something wonderful blooms.

Feeling strong today

Well, my great blood sugar numbers continue. Thank you, God! I fully realize what one day at a time means. I always have, but I guess I get to different levels of it the more time I have in recovery. My weighed and measured meals give me such a wonderful feeling of freedom. I've been getting some sort of exercise every day, which not only helps with my diabetes but also makes me feel so powerful.

I've always been a person that loves physical things. When I complete a 5-mile walk, I feel so tall and like I conquer the world. So after a work out, I love that time in the shower where I wash away the sweat and just revel in the euphoric feeling. I'm getting that every day and it feels great. A great benefit has been that, by the time I go to bed, I am knocked out. The exercise makes me sleep like a little baby. The only problem is that if I don't give myself enough hours to sleep, I'm groggy in the morning. That happened today. I took a nap when I came home after work and slept for about 3 hours. Now I'm up! But I'll take it ;-)

I'm so grateful today for recovery, for second chances (or 3rd, 4th, 20th chances), for my life today. For the next six weeks, I get Fridays off as vacation days and another full week in May. I just have a lot of excess days I have accrued over the years and now they are having me take the time off. So this Friday, it'll be about 80 degrees at the beach and that's where I will be! Yay.

The time of my life is now

That's part of the message in the reading "For Today". I really get that. I can't always be in the past, and I can't always be in the future either. Truthfully, thank God, all I really have to do is today. 24 hours. In one day, I don't have to think about the rest of my life, just what's right in front of me. That really breaks things down a lot for me. Today, right now, I am grateful that I have a new day in front of me. A new day of abstinence in which I don't have worry about somehow sustaining my 3+ years of abstinence. It's about today only. I'm new every single day. I am also grateful that my blood sugar is normal this morning. I don't have to worry about the rest of my life with pricking my fingers, taking meds, exercising, etc. Just right now, today, I'm grateful to be normal. As I go out to greet my day, I do so with a tremendous feeling of gratitude that I only need to do today. That is something I think I can handle.

Back at it tomorrow

I have to go back to work tomorrow - boo hoo hoo. I have had two weeks of glorious vacation and I really am grateful. I didn't spend the time sitting at home, but I made sure to go out and do things. I enjoyed my lovely San Diego and reminded myself how blessed I am to live in such a wonderful place. Today I am sitting in a lot of gratitude, that is for sure. My blood sugars are normal again. I'm still confused by that, except to say that God is so good!! It's truly amazing to see what happens when I turn things over. I have been weighing and measuring my food, which has given me a lot of peace. I'm surprised by that because I always thought that was too restrictive. It's quite the opposite. I have clear boundaries and I feel good about that. Who knows how long I will be doing it. I just know that for today I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That feels really nice. I am a diabetic and a compulsive overeater, thankfully in recovery. My pants are falling down. (Just had to share!)

Confused

Okay, so I'm doing the full head scratch today. My blood sugar is completely normal. It hasn't been and I have been fully prepared to go on insulin when I visit my doctor the next time. I went in to get blood work, which needs to be done before I see her. I had started weighing and measuring my food, writing my blood sugar numbers down and had complete willingness to go to any lengths (i.e. going in to see the doc and beginning to inject insulin). Now, I'm normal today. All I can say is wow. I need to continue monitoring, of course, and I plan on not changing what I'm doing now. I decided to start weighing and measuring not because of my blood sugar control but just to tighten my food plan a bit more. I'm committing to giving my confusion over to God and accepting that this is where I am right now. For today, I am thrilled to have normal numbers. It is such a blessing.

Facing my disease

Today I went in to get blood work at my doctor's office. It's routine bloodwork that diabetics are asked to do to determine their managability of blood sugar levels. It was a pretty painful experience, I must say. They couldn't find a vein in my arm, so they want to the back of my hand. Have you ever had that done before? She warned me that there would be pain and she wasn't kidding. In a couple of weeks, I will be going in to see my doctor to talk about my next step.

I've been monitoring my blood sugars, as well as weighing and measuring everything that I have control over. My sugars are still high in the morning. No matter what combination I use of food, exericse, pills, etc., I just cannot get the numbers within the normal range. My doctor warned me that I would have to go on insulin if I can't get them normal. She even changed my medication to see if that would do the trick. It hasn't. It's better and I'm grateful for that. I'm actually okay today about whatever will be. I trust that God is always taking care of me, even when that means pain is involved. I'm working my program to the best of my ability and letting God take care of the rest. Really, that is all I can do.

Tomorrow morning I have the distinct pleasure and honor of presenting my sponsee with her two year abstinence token before a very full meeting. We usually have standing room only for that meeting, about 80-100 people or so. If you have ever wondered if you should take the scary leap and start sponsoring, my loving suggesion is a resounding yes! yes! yes!! It will aid so much to your own recovery, while also carrying the message to someone else.

After the meeting, a dear friend and fellow OA'er will be going to the beach with me. It will be a cloudy day, but I get to walk the sand for some nice exercise and she is going to finish a book she's been reading. God gives us so much every day and I want to always honor Him. I have the opportunity to walk His beautiful beach and say thanks. There are moments when life is so hard, but I don't ever want to let an opportunity pass to praise Him. He has brought me back from the pits and I want Him to know how grateful I am for his never-ending love.

Waking up abstinently

This morning I woke up and felt hungry. Not starving like I've been trying to survive on the desert or so full I didn't want to get up but naturally hungry. As a compulsive overeater, I spent a lot of times not experiencing the natural hunger that "normal" people experience. It's because I'd binge so bad the night before that my poor body didn't know what was going on with me. I really have put it through the wringer, that is for sure. Getting up and greeting the day abstinently is such a gift. I checked my blood sugar and then had a really healthy breakfast. Now I'm getting ready to greet the world and thank God for such a beautiful day. I pray that people reading this find recovery. For me, it is such a blessing and a lovely gift one day at a time.

Glad I listen to my gut

My vacation continues. I'm so grateful for a job that affords me so much time off. I work in education because I love working with kids, but all the vacation time is pretty sweet, too. If I calculate it right, I get 5 weeks off during regular breaks in addition to holidays and the vacation time I accrue on top of that. In fact, I still have two more weeks to take before mid-June. So I'm going to be doing this again for a week in May and then I have 6 more days to take after that. Wow!

Yesterday I had plans to go to the San Diego Zoo. I haven't been there since I was a little girl and I live here! When I was a kid, there was this gargantuan life-size statue of a gorilla that scared me to no end. I remember having nightmares about it with my dad comforting me. It'll be interesting to see how unscary it is now as an adult. However, I didn't end up going. Something strong inside of me said that I should be going to a 12:00 OA meeting. I figured there wouldn't be many people since it was in the middle of the day. How wrong was I!

It ended up being a woman's meeting and there were probably 30+ people there. The sharing was amazing and I was so glad I followed my gut and decided to go. I might be taking those 6 additional days of vacation and doing them on Tuesday. To be able to continue going to this meeting during the day would be awesome. It's so wonderful to be part of a room full of other recovering compulsive overeaters and know that we can do this together.

Yay, I did it!

Well, I was a grown up and went to the beach all by myself today. I found my way there alone, when I have always relied on my friends to get me there while I pay no attention. I found a spot about 3 blocks away and found myself a spot on the sand, when I always go with other people who lead the way. I know this sounds juvenille, but you'd understand what a big deal this really is given my previous negative experiences going to the beach in the past. Essentially, the tormenting was so bad that I just simply stopped going to the beach when I was 13. And you know what? Nobody cared about me as much as I thought they might. People weren't staring. I was just another person on the sand. Except, perhaps, for the little girl that came up to me as I was laying out:

"Hello," she said to me, all 3 years of her with big brown eyes and a sweet face.
"Hello."
"I'm going to build a sandle castle." I looked at her and notice a bucket and shovel in her hands.
"Oh, that sounds fun!"
"Bye!!" And off she ran towards the water.

I put my MP3 tunes in my ears and listened while enjoying the view of the crashing waves. I got burnt, as is my norm. I put suntan lotion on but not enough. Right now I look like Victor/Victoria. Half of my body is a pinkish-red and the other half is a normal color. It's actually pretty hilarious. If I turn my head one way, all you see is a burn. When I turn the other way, nothing. When I am in abstinent and living in recovery, I can laugh at myself and enjoy things like a beautiful beach. And oodles of aloe vera on hot skin. I almost needed a cigarette afterwards.

Brave little soldier

So here I am, looking forward to another week of vacation. Everyone has come back from Spring Break today at the high school where I work and I get to go out play still. Love it! For today, I am going to be brave and go out by myself to the beach. This is major for me, I must tell you all. Not only because I'm going out to the beach where I will be exposing my body but also because it's by myself. That's huge given my history with things that have occurred at the beach. Yet, I can't think of another place I'd rather be on another day that is supposed to be very hot.

I did try on my bathing suit from last summer and it's too big. Joy! Although it is a pity because I do love it on me. Makes me feel sexy. One point of hilarity with it is that the little plastic ring on one of the straps in the back is broken and rubs against my cut skin from my last post. Another good reason to get rid of it! I did have to laugh when I put it on, though, that it would have to be on the exact same spot that kills me. I'm going to take my Spanish book with me to go study and I'm going to work on some college scholarships. So I'll be plenty busy out there with my broken swimsuit, SPF 30 and little blue hat.

Oozing down my back

So ... I'm sitting here at 2:32 Sunday morning. I haven't gone to sleep yet. I was going to, had the best plans to do so at about 2:00 but the blood oozing down my back prevented me from doing so. I know, JC, you are just wondering how I got myself in this particular predicament.

I'm getting ready for bed and was in the bathroom looking in the mirror. I was looking at my hair - it's getting very long and it's curly. I have to say it's rockin and I actually like it. Okay, can I admit I was admiring it in the mirror? Lord, that sounds so vain. (Probably because it is.) So, I was looking at it from the side, wondering if I should cut it or let it stay long, currently about 1-2 inches above my waist. Then I noticed the mole on my back. I've always hated that mole. If I could just get rid of it, I would love that. There's a skin tag I have on it that always hurts. So I pulled my hair to the side and I started tugging at it, twisting it, to see if I could get rid of it somehow. It's right under my shoulder blade and hurts when I wear something over it. So I'm twisting it, tugging with good force and it's hurting. Mistake!

I stopped and pulled my hand to the front and noticed an incredible amount of blood all over my fingers. Alarmed, I looked in the mirror and my whole back was full of red. I was wearing something that had my back exposed and the blood was now started to ooze down. Shit! I'm dabbing it with whatever I can and the bleeding is not stopping. I opened the drawer where I keep bandages and they were gone. Double shit! I managed to find one in my purse and clumsily slapped it on my back. So here I sit, bloody back and all, laughing at myself.

How do I get into these situations? The reason I was pulling at the stupid tag was vanity. I've always hated it. I could have my doctor remove it the next time I go in or have someone help me that can actually see it rather than me doing it at 2:00 on a Sunday morning while looking backwards into my bathroom mirror. Vanity run amok!! I had this funny image of me going to the emergency room because the bleeding wasn't stopping, trying to explain to the doctor why it was I choose to do what I did in the middle of the night. Silly me, oh so silly me. So I'm waiting a little bit before I attempt to go to sleep so that I don't leave a reminder on my pink sheets of my little bathroom adventure. I hope I don't fall asleep in church.

Sorry this is a gory little story, but sometimes things can't be neat and tidy. I do have to laugh at myself. I'm so grateful I can do that today. Recovery brings so much joy to my life and I really can see when I'm just being my little girl self. Imagine, trying to twist off skin from my body!! When I cut skin, it bleeds so why wouldn't it be the same for this? Duh! I guess it's that same sort of logic that fueled my addiction for so long. If I eat just this little bit, it wouldn't hurt me. Or, if I binged, then throwing my hands up in the air and conceding defeat. Very interesting. Today I baked some cookies for a thing going on at church. I have to bring them later on this morning. As I was preparing, I followed directions for just one batch. Never in my life as a compulsive overeater did I make just one batch. How could that possibly be enough? Well, the truth is that I ate along the way so the 48 I ended up making would have been more like 10 when all was said and done. I would have been sick to my stomach and only had 10 cookies to show for it. So, in my compulsive overeater mind, I'd have to finish off the other 10 because I had already messed it up. Instead, I packaged up all 48 cookies into two baggies. They will eventually go to local San Diego prisons to do outreach work with convicts. That gives me a much better feeling than the alternative.

The memories of the insanity are never far away and I pray I never forget the things I have done or have been willing to do to get my fix. I am always one bite away and I never want to forget that.

On the cusp

I've been on vacation for this week and have another week to go. It's going to be in the 80's this weekend, so off to the beach we will go. The other day, I went walking on the beach in the crisp morning air. Just smelling the ocean, appreciating the majesty of God's creation. It made me think a lot about my life.

There are many things in my life that I did not participate in because I chose instead to compulsively overeat. Slowly that is changing and that is very exciting ... and also very scary. The weight adds such a "protective" wall around me where I don't have to experience things. The protection is not necessarily positive, but it is definitely safe. One of the things that has come full circle for me is my education.

Education was really something that was not pushed a lot in my family. My father went to a university, but went into the military during his senior year. He regrets not getting his B.A. then. My mother never even finished middle school. My compulsive overeating really hit very low points in high school, so I was lucky to graduate. My grandfather died my senior year, I took it hard and just stopped going to school. Food was definitely my only friend at that time, by choice. When it was time to go to college, I dabbled a little bit but my heart wasn't there. I started working full-time and school just wasn't important in my life. It should have been given that I was working for a school district, but it wasn't. I would take classes on and off, knowing I "should" be there but not really feeling it.

Fast-forward to my life today. In recovery, I have really come to see things that are important to me. Advancing in my education is one of those things. I have a certain goal in mind now, an advancement in the field in which I already work, and now continuing with my education is most definitely a must. It's not even for just the career, it's personal. I need to know I can do this. There is passion there. I don't want to be stuck in the world, I want more. I have tastes now of what is out there for me and I am hungry for it. This fall, I will finally be applying to the university I plan to transfer to.

The move scares me, I must admit. It's very safe taking classes at a community college for various reasons. By moving to the university, it is that much closer for me to receiving my degree. Advancement in my field requires a master's degree, so I do have a long road ahead of me. But, one day at a time, it feels like I'm starting to make some progress to get there. Fear has held me back for too long. I guess it was my mother's voice in my head saying that I was stupid, that I should just settle, etc. The truth is that I am not stupid and I know that I can do this. I can hold intelligent conversations with people from all walks of life. I know I don't need to prove myself to her, or to anyone else for that matter. Especially not to myself.

It is amazing what the words and actions from people can do to a person's self-esteem. I pray I never utter words to someone like they were uttered to me. I pray that I will always be supportive and cheer on others. I work hard for the things I have, despite the messages I have been fed. Education excites me and it should. I work in the field, I have passion for the work I do and I want to keep growing. God and 12-step recovery have given that to me today.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!

I have been beyond crazed this last week at work, let alone beyond that. But, thank you God, I am getting two weeks off starting next week. Spring Break for our district is later this year, so I have that and then an additional week off. I have about three weeks, outside of Spring Break, that I need to take off or I'll lose them. I definitely don't want to do that, but it is incredibly hard to plan that kind of time off at an extremely busy high school.

So, I am vowing, right here and right now that I will not check my e-mail for work during vacation. I will not do anything work-related. This is my time and Lord knows I work very hard. Everyone that knows me knows that I am definitely devoted to my work. I just want my play time, too. I'm looking at things I can do around my beautiful city of San Diego that are not too touristy, not too expensive and let me enjoy this wonderful place I call home.

I think it's too icy to jump in the ocean, but I have a feeling I'll be visiting there often over these next couple of weeks to walk on the beach, breathe in the salty water and just thank God for my blessed life. I just need to get through two more days at work. Yay!